I noticed a while back that I hadn’t blogged in a REALLY long time…pathetically long time! I looked back over my calendar to see what happened and realized the answer was “The Season.” The season of sick and Holidaze!!!
On the night of day 105 (beginning of Nov), Connor came into my room SICK! He could barely breathe and was coughing, or should I say barking! Thankfully this had happened once before and so I knew to take him in the steamed up bathroom. That did get his cough under control. I envisioned taking him to the doctor the next day, however he woke up much better!! Sadly, that night he got much worse. Saying I got no sleep isn’t quite right, because my body did shut down a few times. I was afraid to fall asleep because Connor would stop breathing, and then gasp for air. It was the scariest thing in the world. Now, being a “single” mom you have to weigh your options. Do I, get the kids up, dressed and go to the ER or do I lay here trying to stay awake and keep an eye on my child so that they at least get sleep? Well, I am sure you can figure out what I did. After a trip to the doc the next day, Croup and he suggested that I have a sleep study done on him to see why he stopped breathing. However, since neither the doc or I could see in Connor’s throat because he tonsils were so enlarged, the reason was pretty clear.
That was just the beginning of a very hectic few months! Gwynn also contracted Croup. However, I couldn’t get her breathing under control with the steamed up room or anything else. Because she laid there crying, her chest sinking with every breath and her cough getting worse, I ended up taking her to the ER. In addition to her Croup, she had strep! YAY :0)
We had play practice, bell practice, this party, that party, this performance, that performance, school work, home work, sewing projects, dentist with 3 perfect checkups…we even got our family picture done!
Connor got an entire week off for Thanksgiving! It was great because Aunt Suzie, Tyler, Grandpa and Grandma Elser (the crazy ones :0)and even a surprise guest, one of Suzie’s high school friends, came and spent Turkey Day with us! Gwynn got a play house as an early Christmas gift. That was fun to put together and watch her “open” even though there were “No mommies allowed!” Grandpa helped me hang the Christmas lights on the outside of my house and we put up our Christmas trees. This year, because I knew I wasn’t going to really enjoy the holidays, I decided to do something just for myself. I got a white tree and decorated it with PINK and silver balls :0) We even got to celebrate Dustin’s 30th birthday with cake!
The day they left, I went to start my car and NOTHING! I put the trickle charger on and let it run all night. When I went to check on it in the morning, of course it wasn’t fully charged yet. It wasn’t a big deal, I would just take Dustin’s truck to church and then figure it out after that! There was one flaw in that play, a parking break that wouldn’t release!! Thankfully, Dustin got on and told me how to manually release the parking break on his truck. I even took him down there on the laptop and had him walk me through it. Unfortunately, it didn’t work! I did get the car to start so I threw the cables in my car and decided if anything, someone at church could jump me so I could get home :0) I went down one more time to try the parking break, this time bringing gloves with me, and I GOT IT! I had a little victory dance, pulled it around front and then proceeded to take the battery out of my car so I could get it tested after church (and of course, it was FINE!) Anyway, so in a day, I learned to change my own battery and manually release a parking break! Big day for me :0)
Then of course, the one day I am 45 minutes away from him, Connor decides to get sick at school and start throwing up! Thankfully Uncle Sean had the day off and he and Aunt Elizabeth could go pick him up for me. Of course, 2 days later, the kiddos had a bell performance and Connor had a birthday party to go to and the next day was the Christmas play at church. He was feeling better, but Gwynn just had no energy. As I was picking Connor up from the party, she threw up in the car! Both of them kind of got a cold right away and it got worse and worse, and I got it and we are all now just really getting over it.
The Crazy Grandparents and Great-Grandma came for a few days before Christmas. We had a lot of fun with them again, tried some new recipes, opened a few gifts, saw the Lunar Eclipse (well I did :0), and they went to the Zoo and saw Santa! The kiddos colds came with a little bit of conjunctivitis. Connor’s lasted about 2 days, but Gwynn’s just wouldn’t clear up! I decided with Christmas quickly approaching and a new baby coming to our house I needed to take her to the doctor. We were leaving for the hospital at the same time the “Crazies” were leaving and my car wouldn’t start AGAIN! I have decided that they either can never come again, or they can never leave once they are here :0) We pushed the car out, jumped it and we were good to go again. Gwynn was diagnosed (after 45 min of waiting for the dr.) with an eye infection which did clear up with medication.
We went to the Christmas Eve service and Elizabeth and I played bells. One of our players had surgery and couldn’t make it, so I picked up her bells and did the best I could do sight reading and playing foreign hand (2 bells in one hand) It was fun!! Connor fell asleep during the service and Gwynn wouldn’t stop moving around so that she didn’t!
My mom and step-dad, my brother Abraham, his wife Megan and their baby Alex came and spent a week with us at Christmas! It was great, I got a lot of baby snuggle time in :0) We didn’t have a white Christmas, but we did get some snow at the end of the week. We found out some very exciting news about someone in my family, but I can’t share it because they don’t want me too yet…**pout** Oh yeah and I failed to mention that they day MY parents left, my car died too!! So, I took it in and everything is fine…they said I must have a leech somewhere…who knows!
It continues to amaze me how quickly my kiddos grow and change. Connor is now doing 2 digit addition in his head and asking questions about things he is way too young to even know about (divorce, adoption, boys and girls marring each other…) the joys of school, huh?!? Gwynn is starting to write her name and recognizes the letters of the Alphabet. I love to watch her play…she is so imaginative and has such a forgiving heart!
So, now it’s the New Year! 2011. My house is still in desperate need of recovery from the Holidaze. I am slowly working on it though. I have a few unfinished Christmas projects, I didn’t even get out all of my Christmas cards…lol…maybe they will be Valentine projects :0) This is the year Dustin comes home! YAY!!! We are almost half way there! New year, with new beginnings. I never make New Year resolutions because I think that every day we should try to learn new things resolve to be better. I have been waiting for life to slow down, after D left, school started and all of the changes that happened, but I am starting to realize that life just doesn’t slow down…it just changes! I am ready to jump with both feet into whatever this year brings!
Silver Linings
♥Our families who are willing to travel to be with us!
♥The year of the return :0)
Verses of the Day:
Phillipians 3:13-14… forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Ezekiel 36:26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you
2Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Monday, November 1, 2010
Days 80-104
Apparently I am only blogging every 3 weeks :0) I keep expecting life to slow down and it hasn’t! In the last 3 weeks we finished up soccer, had our first Parent Teacher Conference, made a weekend trip down to NM, had Connor’s 6th b-day part, put on a fondue feast for PWOC, and made a cake for a Baby Shower. It’s been a busy 3 weeks. It’s been fun though and more importantly, it’s flown by!! We are already past day 100!
I can hardly believe that Connor turned 6! I thank God for giving me such a sweet little boy. He is kind and caring. He loves to learn. He loves to say the Pledge of Allegiance. He loves to sing Praise music. He is great with Gwynn…most of the time :0) It is amazing to me how much he is really starting to understand. Most nights as Gwynn is taking her bath, Connor and I will lay in my bed and talk. One night he told me he was afraid that his daddy was going to die before he came home. WOW. What do you say?? So, I did what I felt was best and we had an honest conversation about it. I asked him why and he said, “Because daddy has a gun and guns shoot and kill people. I don’t want daddy to get shot and die.” My heart broke. Like I said, I had an honest talk with him about it. I told him that it honestly could happen. I told him that it was in God’s hands though. That none of us are promised tomorrow and when God wants us to come home to him, he will call us. And if that happens, it will be sad, but that God will take care of us. We just need to pray and ask him to keep our daddy safe and bring him home. We had a very good Parent Teacher Conference. His teacher said he is performing above grade level in every subject. He wrote an entire page about his scarecrow and his teacher said that a 2 word sentence was very good for this stage of Kindergarten. I know you’re not supposed to be boastful, but I am pretty proud of him! Then he was chosen to be the Citizen of the Quarter for his class!
Gwynn is as lively as ever. She dances her way from room to room. She says the most outrageous things. Like, “But Princesses are not supposed to go to time out!” and “Yes, that would not be appropriate.” and “God walks into our heart.” And “I don’t like YOUR tone!” She is such a little bubble of energy! She’s been really cuddly lately…which I don’t mind at all!! She’s also had some separation issues. She actually cried a few times when I left her :0( She’s been getting up between 5 and 5:30 for a few weeks now too which is really getting old, fast!!
Dustin and his 1st SGT disagreed on something. His BC agreed with him. He got moved to the night shift. I LOVED it!! We were both up at the same time! There wasn’t much going on at all so we got to talk a lot!! I love skype! It’s so amazing to me that I get to spend my day with my hubby even while he is so far away. He can sit there and watch the kids play or fight depending on how the day is going and we get to see his smiling face! Love it!! We've been making plans for a trip after he gets back too. I am really excited about it. We haven't really done anything for ourselves in a LONG time...it's been too long! I am really excited :0)
One of the challenging things about being THE adult in the house is that you have to do everything. This includes eradicating the 23 yellow jackets that had gotten comfortable in my window frames while we were away for the weekend. I have now ended the life of 33…in my house! Now, had Dustin been home I am sure he would have taken on that responsibility. He is a “weapon of mass destruction” after all ;0) Here lies the challenge though. When you’re the sole parent, you take it all on. You have to learn to be strong while also being gentle. You have to learn to be the bad cop and the good cop. You have to pay the bills, fix dinner, mow the lawn, work the screw driver, do the dishes, kill the bugs, plant the flowers…and then your hubby comes home. The challenge is to become the person you were before and give back the responsibilities you didn’t have before. It can be as challenging as taking on the new roles to begin with!
As for me, God is really working on me! I have been really convicted about negative thoughts and things coming out of my mouth. Of course it seems that when you’re convicted of something, you have lots of practice to make it right!! It has been really difficult! Especially with all of the political propaganda that is going on. I am getting so frustrated! It makes me so sad that all you hear about either side is mudslinging! Sometimes all I want to do is yell and scream and point out how illogical some things are. However, I think I’ve been pretty good at just shouting it upward! Of course God has put people in my life that give me practice in my everyday life with this lesson too. It’s a hard one, but I think it’s an important one!
I see so much sadness and anger around me too. I feel that it comes from a sense of entitlement. So many people blame everyone else for their situation instead of taking responsibility for their own actions and decisions. Then they expect to be given everything and for someone else to fix their problems for them. I have seen so much take, take, take and people not remembering that you need to give too. You can’t just take. If everyone takes, there will be nothing to give. It just makes my heart sink to know they could be so happy if they would stop focusing on themselves and move their focus upward. Oh how I wish more people knew the love and peace Christ has given to me.
One night, as Dustin was watching the kids he said, “Wow, Gwynn isn’t a toddler any more. She has changed SO much in the last 3 months.” She has too. I had this overwhelming sensation of loss and sadness. Not so much for me, but for my husband who is missing so much. God is so good and faithful though. He took me to Jeremiah 33. It talks about a desolate place where neither man nor animal will inhabit. Then it speaks of the Lord’s enduring Love and how he restores the fortunes of the land as they were before! It brought such peace to my heart. Yes, these are challenging times and occasionally it feels like I am living in a desolate land. However, God’s love endures forever and he will restore my “land” as it was before!
Bible Verse of the Day:
Jeremiah 33:11: Give thanks to the Lord Almighty, for the Lord is good, his love endures forever!
I can hardly believe that Connor turned 6! I thank God for giving me such a sweet little boy. He is kind and caring. He loves to learn. He loves to say the Pledge of Allegiance. He loves to sing Praise music. He is great with Gwynn…most of the time :0) It is amazing to me how much he is really starting to understand. Most nights as Gwynn is taking her bath, Connor and I will lay in my bed and talk. One night he told me he was afraid that his daddy was going to die before he came home. WOW. What do you say?? So, I did what I felt was best and we had an honest conversation about it. I asked him why and he said, “Because daddy has a gun and guns shoot and kill people. I don’t want daddy to get shot and die.” My heart broke. Like I said, I had an honest talk with him about it. I told him that it honestly could happen. I told him that it was in God’s hands though. That none of us are promised tomorrow and when God wants us to come home to him, he will call us. And if that happens, it will be sad, but that God will take care of us. We just need to pray and ask him to keep our daddy safe and bring him home. We had a very good Parent Teacher Conference. His teacher said he is performing above grade level in every subject. He wrote an entire page about his scarecrow and his teacher said that a 2 word sentence was very good for this stage of Kindergarten. I know you’re not supposed to be boastful, but I am pretty proud of him! Then he was chosen to be the Citizen of the Quarter for his class!
Gwynn is as lively as ever. She dances her way from room to room. She says the most outrageous things. Like, “But Princesses are not supposed to go to time out!” and “Yes, that would not be appropriate.” and “God walks into our heart.” And “I don’t like YOUR tone!” She is such a little bubble of energy! She’s been really cuddly lately…which I don’t mind at all!! She’s also had some separation issues. She actually cried a few times when I left her :0( She’s been getting up between 5 and 5:30 for a few weeks now too which is really getting old, fast!!
Dustin and his 1st SGT disagreed on something. His BC agreed with him. He got moved to the night shift. I LOVED it!! We were both up at the same time! There wasn’t much going on at all so we got to talk a lot!! I love skype! It’s so amazing to me that I get to spend my day with my hubby even while he is so far away. He can sit there and watch the kids play or fight depending on how the day is going and we get to see his smiling face! Love it!! We've been making plans for a trip after he gets back too. I am really excited about it. We haven't really done anything for ourselves in a LONG time...it's been too long! I am really excited :0)
One of the challenging things about being THE adult in the house is that you have to do everything. This includes eradicating the 23 yellow jackets that had gotten comfortable in my window frames while we were away for the weekend. I have now ended the life of 33…in my house! Now, had Dustin been home I am sure he would have taken on that responsibility. He is a “weapon of mass destruction” after all ;0) Here lies the challenge though. When you’re the sole parent, you take it all on. You have to learn to be strong while also being gentle. You have to learn to be the bad cop and the good cop. You have to pay the bills, fix dinner, mow the lawn, work the screw driver, do the dishes, kill the bugs, plant the flowers…and then your hubby comes home. The challenge is to become the person you were before and give back the responsibilities you didn’t have before. It can be as challenging as taking on the new roles to begin with!
As for me, God is really working on me! I have been really convicted about negative thoughts and things coming out of my mouth. Of course it seems that when you’re convicted of something, you have lots of practice to make it right!! It has been really difficult! Especially with all of the political propaganda that is going on. I am getting so frustrated! It makes me so sad that all you hear about either side is mudslinging! Sometimes all I want to do is yell and scream and point out how illogical some things are. However, I think I’ve been pretty good at just shouting it upward! Of course God has put people in my life that give me practice in my everyday life with this lesson too. It’s a hard one, but I think it’s an important one!
I see so much sadness and anger around me too. I feel that it comes from a sense of entitlement. So many people blame everyone else for their situation instead of taking responsibility for their own actions and decisions. Then they expect to be given everything and for someone else to fix their problems for them. I have seen so much take, take, take and people not remembering that you need to give too. You can’t just take. If everyone takes, there will be nothing to give. It just makes my heart sink to know they could be so happy if they would stop focusing on themselves and move their focus upward. Oh how I wish more people knew the love and peace Christ has given to me.
One night, as Dustin was watching the kids he said, “Wow, Gwynn isn’t a toddler any more. She has changed SO much in the last 3 months.” She has too. I had this overwhelming sensation of loss and sadness. Not so much for me, but for my husband who is missing so much. God is so good and faithful though. He took me to Jeremiah 33. It talks about a desolate place where neither man nor animal will inhabit. Then it speaks of the Lord’s enduring Love and how he restores the fortunes of the land as they were before! It brought such peace to my heart. Yes, these are challenging times and occasionally it feels like I am living in a desolate land. However, God’s love endures forever and he will restore my “land” as it was before!
Bible Verse of the Day:
Jeremiah 33:11: Give thanks to the Lord Almighty, for the Lord is good, his love endures forever!
Friday, October 8, 2010
Days 66-79
Wow! It’s been a while since I blogged!! I have been uber busy! However, I have finally reached the point where I feel like I have it! I think the transition is over and we are on a roll now. Tomorrow is Gwynn’s last soccer game. I am excited to maybe have my Saturday’s back! Gwynn is doing better. She is at least staying on the field for the whole game now :0) We are really enjoying bell choir! The kid’s choir is playing this Sunday for the service. I am going to hide behind Gwynn because sometimes she needs a little nudge…literally :0) Connor is having fun at school. He had silly sock/cowboy day and today he got to wear his jammies to school and they get pancakes! Trying to find him season appropriate jamimes that still fit was a challenge though!
We have a few celebrations in October. Of course, Halloween is one of them. The kiddos go their costumes and they are pretty darn excited about them! Gwynn is going to be Sleeping Beauty and Connor is going to be Ironman. The other big one…Connor will be 6 this month! Where does the time go?!? We are doing a Super Why birthday and he told me that he wants a fish, a turtle and plastic drums for his birthday.
I had the opportunity this month to learn about a new bug…the ant lion! I was out mowing the lawn when I realized I had pits in the sand box. I smoothed them over and an hour later they were back! Once again I smoothed them over and then kept an eye on it while the kiddos played in the sprinkler…(with the neighbor kids yelling rude comments to Gwynn about being a naked girl…for a while ago…) As I watched, I saw these little figure 8s appear in the sand and so I watched closely and saw the sand being kicked up. I came in and went to my favorite place for general knowledge…Google! I discovered that I had an ant lion infestation! They are the craziest bugs…they dig these pits, ants fall in and they grab them from underneath while the ant is trying to escape. Anyway, Raid does not kill them. I had to dig them out, smooth my sand box, wait for pits, dig more out…and then the cold finally got the rest of them! I also killed a few wasps in my house. Never a dull moment with other living creatures at my house!
We had a great week where Dustin was back at the place he has internet! The kiddos and I got to talk to him frequently and it was so nice. It is amazing how you can grow closer together when you are so far apart. I love how protective he is. My neighbor and I were talking about preparing the kiddos to walk to and home from the bus by themselves. We have a plan. We stand back and watch them walk home from the bus to make sure they know the way and how to do it safely. Then we let them walk home by themselves…then we let them walk to the bus themselves. It’s cute though because Dustin was a little nervous to let him do that. Then one day Connor was “busy” when I had to take Elizabeth home…so I allowed him to stay home by himself. It’s a 10 minute roudtrip. I gave him strict instructions on what he could and could not do. I came home and he had answered the phone (which was a do not do) but it was Dustin, and he knew that it was. Dustin “watched” Connor for me while I was gone. He is so sweet and I love how he takes care of us even from that far away!
We all got sick! Connor got a fever and was throwing up. He missed his first day of school. I was next! Thankfully it hit on a weekend where I could just lay in bed and sleep all day. My neighbor, Cindy took the kiddos for a few hours so I could rest…so sweet! Then it was Gwynn. We’re all over that and on the mend now. Connor however has a really red chapped nose…poor guy!
I remember back to the beginning of the deployment…all 79 days ago :0) where I was excited to have a year to work on myself and grow in my faith. Well, that hasn’t really been happening as I thought it would! Last time it really was pretty easy. It came fast and hard. This time it’s been work! I am constantly finding myself in situations where I just don’t know what to do or how to respond. I am finding however, that it is making me a better person as I lean on God to find my way.
I had also said that this year I was going to read the Bible through. Well, I have changed my mind. Anyone can read the Bible in a year. My new approach is to really STUDY the Bible. So, while I am doing my readings, I learn as much about the Book as I can. When it was written, by whom, for whom…that kind of stuff so I have a better understanding of what I am reading and what it means. Additionally, I am reading passages in context. I have found that you can spout off a passage, but it can mean something totally different if you know the history of the passage and read what is said around it. Reading does not equal Knowledge! Studying equals Knowledge!
One thing that keeps coming up again and again is what is to come out of your mouth! I am so quick to be harsh with my kids or complain to someone instead of taking my thoughts and actions captive. This is definitely something I will be working on! I have also been convicted of how my actions can affect other believers and new believers. I am constantly reminded that my life needs to be a reflection of Christ not my flesh. It has been a struggle a few times. Several things have come up where I just want to spout off my mouth and say what I really think/feel, but I am learning to bite my tongue and just pray about it. Prayerfully, by the time Dustin comes home, he’ll come home to a changed wife!
Verse of the Day: Colossians 3:15
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.
Silver Linings
♥the smile my kiddos constantly put on my face
♥the blessings God has given me
♥challenging situations because they bring about growth!
♥a desire to know Christ more
We have a few celebrations in October. Of course, Halloween is one of them. The kiddos go their costumes and they are pretty darn excited about them! Gwynn is going to be Sleeping Beauty and Connor is going to be Ironman. The other big one…Connor will be 6 this month! Where does the time go?!? We are doing a Super Why birthday and he told me that he wants a fish, a turtle and plastic drums for his birthday.
I had the opportunity this month to learn about a new bug…the ant lion! I was out mowing the lawn when I realized I had pits in the sand box. I smoothed them over and an hour later they were back! Once again I smoothed them over and then kept an eye on it while the kiddos played in the sprinkler…(with the neighbor kids yelling rude comments to Gwynn about being a naked girl…for a while ago…) As I watched, I saw these little figure 8s appear in the sand and so I watched closely and saw the sand being kicked up. I came in and went to my favorite place for general knowledge…Google! I discovered that I had an ant lion infestation! They are the craziest bugs…they dig these pits, ants fall in and they grab them from underneath while the ant is trying to escape. Anyway, Raid does not kill them. I had to dig them out, smooth my sand box, wait for pits, dig more out…and then the cold finally got the rest of them! I also killed a few wasps in my house. Never a dull moment with other living creatures at my house!
We had a great week where Dustin was back at the place he has internet! The kiddos and I got to talk to him frequently and it was so nice. It is amazing how you can grow closer together when you are so far apart. I love how protective he is. My neighbor and I were talking about preparing the kiddos to walk to and home from the bus by themselves. We have a plan. We stand back and watch them walk home from the bus to make sure they know the way and how to do it safely. Then we let them walk home by themselves…then we let them walk to the bus themselves. It’s cute though because Dustin was a little nervous to let him do that. Then one day Connor was “busy” when I had to take Elizabeth home…so I allowed him to stay home by himself. It’s a 10 minute roudtrip. I gave him strict instructions on what he could and could not do. I came home and he had answered the phone (which was a do not do) but it was Dustin, and he knew that it was. Dustin “watched” Connor for me while I was gone. He is so sweet and I love how he takes care of us even from that far away!
We all got sick! Connor got a fever and was throwing up. He missed his first day of school. I was next! Thankfully it hit on a weekend where I could just lay in bed and sleep all day. My neighbor, Cindy took the kiddos for a few hours so I could rest…so sweet! Then it was Gwynn. We’re all over that and on the mend now. Connor however has a really red chapped nose…poor guy!
I remember back to the beginning of the deployment…all 79 days ago :0) where I was excited to have a year to work on myself and grow in my faith. Well, that hasn’t really been happening as I thought it would! Last time it really was pretty easy. It came fast and hard. This time it’s been work! I am constantly finding myself in situations where I just don’t know what to do or how to respond. I am finding however, that it is making me a better person as I lean on God to find my way.
I had also said that this year I was going to read the Bible through. Well, I have changed my mind. Anyone can read the Bible in a year. My new approach is to really STUDY the Bible. So, while I am doing my readings, I learn as much about the Book as I can. When it was written, by whom, for whom…that kind of stuff so I have a better understanding of what I am reading and what it means. Additionally, I am reading passages in context. I have found that you can spout off a passage, but it can mean something totally different if you know the history of the passage and read what is said around it. Reading does not equal Knowledge! Studying equals Knowledge!
One thing that keeps coming up again and again is what is to come out of your mouth! I am so quick to be harsh with my kids or complain to someone instead of taking my thoughts and actions captive. This is definitely something I will be working on! I have also been convicted of how my actions can affect other believers and new believers. I am constantly reminded that my life needs to be a reflection of Christ not my flesh. It has been a struggle a few times. Several things have come up where I just want to spout off my mouth and say what I really think/feel, but I am learning to bite my tongue and just pray about it. Prayerfully, by the time Dustin comes home, he’ll come home to a changed wife!
Verse of the Day: Colossians 3:15
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.
Silver Linings
♥the smile my kiddos constantly put on my face
♥the blessings God has given me
♥challenging situations because they bring about growth!
♥a desire to know Christ more
Days 59-65
I wrote this quite a while ago and apparently forgot to post it so here goes...current one forthcoming...
My life is hard. Some days, my life feels downright impossible. Some days all I have to cling to is my faith. Sometimes my heart hurts so badly that it literally aches. Sometimes I cry because I feel so overwhelmed that I just don’t know what to do. If I can just get through today…tomorrow will be better. Today I was humbled because I bet that describes your life too…am I right?
Too often I feel entitled to people’s sympathy, as if my struggles are more important. I was really convicted of this today though. All around me people are hurting in ways where I am richly blessed. Sure my husband might be gone for a year, but I have an amazingly strong marriage. Our relationship has been pretty easy. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me and I love him. I know a lot of people who haven’t been blessed with that. Sure my kiddos are difficult to handle sometimes, but I have been blessed with 2 amazing children. I know many people who would love to be parents and haven’t been given that blessing. There are many people who are sick, hungry, swamped with debt, homeless, impoverished…I don’t have those burdens to carry right now. Even though I get really frustrated with the health care that I receive sometimes, I know many who are under-insured or not insured at all.
I am richly blessed. I need to not take that for granted. I need to get back into the habit of remembering that and being grateful for what I do have…not focusing on my struggles. Everyone has a hard life…just in different ways.
The past few weeks I haven’t heard much from Dustin. It’s really hard. I can literally feel the stress build up in my head as every day passes where we don’t get to talk, my head hurts a little bit more… Today, I am walking on sunshine! I woke up to my computer ringing and the kiddos and I got to have a pretty good talk with daddy on the webcam! I haven’t seen smiles on our faces that big in a long time. It felt great! As I walked home from the bus stop, I saw one of my favorite things in the whole world. Dark clouds covered the sky and in the middle, the sun was shining through. There were huge beams of light breaking the darkness. It always reminds me of God’s goodness.
Verse of the day: 2Corinthians 9:15
Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!
Silver Linings
♥ The son always shines through my clouds
My life is hard. Some days, my life feels downright impossible. Some days all I have to cling to is my faith. Sometimes my heart hurts so badly that it literally aches. Sometimes I cry because I feel so overwhelmed that I just don’t know what to do. If I can just get through today…tomorrow will be better. Today I was humbled because I bet that describes your life too…am I right?
Too often I feel entitled to people’s sympathy, as if my struggles are more important. I was really convicted of this today though. All around me people are hurting in ways where I am richly blessed. Sure my husband might be gone for a year, but I have an amazingly strong marriage. Our relationship has been pretty easy. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me and I love him. I know a lot of people who haven’t been blessed with that. Sure my kiddos are difficult to handle sometimes, but I have been blessed with 2 amazing children. I know many people who would love to be parents and haven’t been given that blessing. There are many people who are sick, hungry, swamped with debt, homeless, impoverished…I don’t have those burdens to carry right now. Even though I get really frustrated with the health care that I receive sometimes, I know many who are under-insured or not insured at all.
I am richly blessed. I need to not take that for granted. I need to get back into the habit of remembering that and being grateful for what I do have…not focusing on my struggles. Everyone has a hard life…just in different ways.
The past few weeks I haven’t heard much from Dustin. It’s really hard. I can literally feel the stress build up in my head as every day passes where we don’t get to talk, my head hurts a little bit more… Today, I am walking on sunshine! I woke up to my computer ringing and the kiddos and I got to have a pretty good talk with daddy on the webcam! I haven’t seen smiles on our faces that big in a long time. It felt great! As I walked home from the bus stop, I saw one of my favorite things in the whole world. Dark clouds covered the sky and in the middle, the sun was shining through. There were huge beams of light breaking the darkness. It always reminds me of God’s goodness.
Verse of the day: 2Corinthians 9:15
Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!
Silver Linings
♥ The son always shines through my clouds
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Days 52-58
Well the last time I left you I was having a really bad day. I seriously wanted to run away and quit. I did cry, but instead of passing out, I grabbed a book that I have had sitting around for a while, but never made the time to read it. The book, Answering the 8 Cries of the Spirited Child. I started to read it and it made me cry again…not because of my day, but because it reminded me that my children ARE Spirited. It reminded me that I will have challenging days, but that there is hope. I was really pleased to discover that it is by a Christian author, which I didn’t know when I bought it.
“But why me? You ask. The best answer is this: God chose you because he knew you were the parent your child would need. And he didn’t make a mistake. You have what it takes. And whatever you lack in patience or wisdom or self-control, God will give you so you can see this job through.”
How could I not be encouraged by those words?? So I know I talk about my kiddos being spirited…but you may be wondering what that is… Here is the quiz that she had in the book…
Spirited Child Inventory
___ When energy was given out, your child got an extra portion.
___The word no is considered a challenge, not an answer.
___Whatever your child is doing, he or she is very intense.
___Your child doesn’t understand the concept of adaptability.
___Your child is a natural-born debater.
___Whatever the norm is for most children, your son or daughter is more.
___Your child resists schedules—as in bedtimes, mealtimes, and routines.
___Your child gives a new meaning to the word persistence.
___Your child is sensitive to sounds, sights, textures, foods and so on.
___Your child often loses his or her temper.
___Your child seems to try deliberately to annoy people.
___Your child often refuses to comply with your rules or requests.
"Rate each statement on a scale of one (not my child) to ten (yep,
that’s definitely my kid). Ad up the score. If ti’s under 50, you probably have a very compliant, cooperative child. If your child’s score is between 70-80, you most likely picked up this book because you recognize your little angel is in the title. If your child scored even higher—well, we recommend that you find some other parents with similarly spirited children and develop a support system. You need it."
My Kiddos scored a 110 and a 113…so you can see where my challenges lie. Reading this, its no wonder people think I have ill behaved children and question my parenting skills. I know I sure did!!! I will never forget the day that I discovered “spirited children.” I had been at the park with Connor. I was appalled by his behavior! Dustin had just left for Iraq, Connor had just turned 3 and I was sure I had a bully on my hands!! I came home in tears and got on Google. I think I searched “how to handle my bully” or something like that. Through clicking on various links, I ended up at a Spirited Child website. As I read, I wept…that was MY son!! I felt like the worst parent in the world and it was so freeing to realize that I wasn’t…that it was just my son’s temperament. I almost laughed when I read a story about a little boy who wouldn’t eat his PBJ because it was cut the wrong way and on the wrong color plate…I had just had that EXACT same thing happen the day before!!
Anyway, so in short a “spirited child” is…more…of everything :0)
• Intensity—meaning greater drama, easier cry response, making more demands on parents.
• Persistence—gets committed to and stays with ideas, may argue points with parents long after an issue is settled.
• High Energy Level—also sometimes labeled hyperactive, but many who write on this disorder do not want the term hyperactivity confused with the disorder(ADHD).
• Sensitive—may be overly sensitive to sounds, slight discomfort, pictures, and stimuli of all sorts.
• Difficult Adaptability—may react with greater emotion to changes like attending school, or moving to a new house.
• Moody—may be more prone to get cranky, but may also be susceptible to and more perceptive of the moods of others.
In the book, Answering the 8 Cries of the Spirited Child, she has a chart with 4 different “types” of spiritedness… Gwynn is 1&2, Connor is 3&4 and I am (yes, I am a spirited parent!) 2&3! It makes it very confusing. What works for Connor does not work for Gwynn. What works for me, does not work for either of my children. Anyway, it was great to pick up another book and renew my strength, so to speak, in parenting.
We’ve had some really great days since then! Gwynn had another soccer game. This one didn’t go so well. When a spirited child is either tired or hungry, forget any cooperation!! Well, opening ceremony started at 9 and the game was from 10-11…and by the time we got to the game, Gwynn was done. I didn’t know it was going to be that long or I would have brought more snacks and she probably would have been fine. We did have Taco John’s after that though :0)
Sunday I started the hand bell choir. I had completely forgotten how much I LOVED to ring until I picked up the first bell. It is so much fun! I hadn’t rung since high school, maybe even middle school…it’s been a long time, but it just came back, like riding a bike. Afterward, the director said, “You guys (my sis was there too) are really good!” I told her I hadn’t rung in at least 10 years to which she replied, “Well I am not complaining!” It made me feel really good.
Connor has a buddy that lives down the street. He is in second grade, but they really love playing together. I didn’t realize it, but there are 4 Kindergartners on my little 15 house cul-de-sac. They have fun playing together. Last night when Jackson brought Connor home I thanked him for having Connor come play. He replied, “Oh, it’s my pleasure,” with his hand on his chest! This is definitely the kind of friend you want your child to have!
Connor has been struggling in school…with refocus. Every day I ask if he had to go, and when he says yes, we talk about why. We had a huge discussion about choices and consequences. Some things have happened that I don’t agree with how the teacher handled them, but I do support her and how she handles her class. It’s hard when your son followed the rules, and was doing what was right, and still gets in trouble. I just pray he is learning some valuable lessons. I know how hard it is for me to have a spirited child at home…I can’t imagine how hard it is to have one in class!
It appears that I didn’t quite think through all of the possible ramifications of getting rid of my IUD. Yesterday I was slammed, and I do mean SLAMMED with PMS! I haven’t had to deal with this in…what 4 years! The last time this happened to me was before I got preggo with Gwynn! It was horrible. If you could have been in my head yesterday…WOW! Thank God I have some self-control…I think I managed to hold in most of my crazy…but inside it was horrible!!
I think I have portrayed that I have been a huge mess since Dustin left. I feel like my brain is Swiss cheese and I can’t get anything organized. I feel like I am just barely making it from here to there. I am constantly feeling rushed and that I am forgetting something. Well, I have had enough! I need to get organized! I need to get it together. I am going to make myself a huge chart with to-dos for every day. I am reading (and I don’t really enjoy to read, but I know it’s something I need to do) several books! I am doing a Bible Study with PWOC, one with my sisters and mom, my Spirited child book, and another parenting book…all of this on top of my regular Bible reading. It’s overwhelming at times, but I feel like I am learning a lot.
Connor has early release today. I am excited because he and Gwynn start their Bell Choir tonight. It should be fun :0)
“But why me? You ask. The best answer is this: God chose you because he knew you were the parent your child would need. And he didn’t make a mistake. You have what it takes. And whatever you lack in patience or wisdom or self-control, God will give you so you can see this job through.”
How could I not be encouraged by those words?? So I know I talk about my kiddos being spirited…but you may be wondering what that is… Here is the quiz that she had in the book…
Spirited Child Inventory
___ When energy was given out, your child got an extra portion.
___The word no is considered a challenge, not an answer.
___Whatever your child is doing, he or she is very intense.
___Your child doesn’t understand the concept of adaptability.
___Your child is a natural-born debater.
___Whatever the norm is for most children, your son or daughter is more.
___Your child resists schedules—as in bedtimes, mealtimes, and routines.
___Your child gives a new meaning to the word persistence.
___Your child is sensitive to sounds, sights, textures, foods and so on.
___Your child often loses his or her temper.
___Your child seems to try deliberately to annoy people.
___Your child often refuses to comply with your rules or requests.
"Rate each statement on a scale of one (not my child) to ten (yep,
that’s definitely my kid). Ad up the score. If ti’s under 50, you probably have a very compliant, cooperative child. If your child’s score is between 70-80, you most likely picked up this book because you recognize your little angel is in the title. If your child scored even higher—well, we recommend that you find some other parents with similarly spirited children and develop a support system. You need it."
My Kiddos scored a 110 and a 113…so you can see where my challenges lie. Reading this, its no wonder people think I have ill behaved children and question my parenting skills. I know I sure did!!! I will never forget the day that I discovered “spirited children.” I had been at the park with Connor. I was appalled by his behavior! Dustin had just left for Iraq, Connor had just turned 3 and I was sure I had a bully on my hands!! I came home in tears and got on Google. I think I searched “how to handle my bully” or something like that. Through clicking on various links, I ended up at a Spirited Child website. As I read, I wept…that was MY son!! I felt like the worst parent in the world and it was so freeing to realize that I wasn’t…that it was just my son’s temperament. I almost laughed when I read a story about a little boy who wouldn’t eat his PBJ because it was cut the wrong way and on the wrong color plate…I had just had that EXACT same thing happen the day before!!
Anyway, so in short a “spirited child” is…more…of everything :0)
• Intensity—meaning greater drama, easier cry response, making more demands on parents.
• Persistence—gets committed to and stays with ideas, may argue points with parents long after an issue is settled.
• High Energy Level—also sometimes labeled hyperactive, but many who write on this disorder do not want the term hyperactivity confused with the disorder(ADHD).
• Sensitive—may be overly sensitive to sounds, slight discomfort, pictures, and stimuli of all sorts.
• Difficult Adaptability—may react with greater emotion to changes like attending school, or moving to a new house.
• Moody—may be more prone to get cranky, but may also be susceptible to and more perceptive of the moods of others.
In the book, Answering the 8 Cries of the Spirited Child, she has a chart with 4 different “types” of spiritedness… Gwynn is 1&2, Connor is 3&4 and I am (yes, I am a spirited parent!) 2&3! It makes it very confusing. What works for Connor does not work for Gwynn. What works for me, does not work for either of my children. Anyway, it was great to pick up another book and renew my strength, so to speak, in parenting.
We’ve had some really great days since then! Gwynn had another soccer game. This one didn’t go so well. When a spirited child is either tired or hungry, forget any cooperation!! Well, opening ceremony started at 9 and the game was from 10-11…and by the time we got to the game, Gwynn was done. I didn’t know it was going to be that long or I would have brought more snacks and she probably would have been fine. We did have Taco John’s after that though :0)
Sunday I started the hand bell choir. I had completely forgotten how much I LOVED to ring until I picked up the first bell. It is so much fun! I hadn’t rung since high school, maybe even middle school…it’s been a long time, but it just came back, like riding a bike. Afterward, the director said, “You guys (my sis was there too) are really good!” I told her I hadn’t rung in at least 10 years to which she replied, “Well I am not complaining!” It made me feel really good.
Connor has a buddy that lives down the street. He is in second grade, but they really love playing together. I didn’t realize it, but there are 4 Kindergartners on my little 15 house cul-de-sac. They have fun playing together. Last night when Jackson brought Connor home I thanked him for having Connor come play. He replied, “Oh, it’s my pleasure,” with his hand on his chest! This is definitely the kind of friend you want your child to have!
Connor has been struggling in school…with refocus. Every day I ask if he had to go, and when he says yes, we talk about why. We had a huge discussion about choices and consequences. Some things have happened that I don’t agree with how the teacher handled them, but I do support her and how she handles her class. It’s hard when your son followed the rules, and was doing what was right, and still gets in trouble. I just pray he is learning some valuable lessons. I know how hard it is for me to have a spirited child at home…I can’t imagine how hard it is to have one in class!
It appears that I didn’t quite think through all of the possible ramifications of getting rid of my IUD. Yesterday I was slammed, and I do mean SLAMMED with PMS! I haven’t had to deal with this in…what 4 years! The last time this happened to me was before I got preggo with Gwynn! It was horrible. If you could have been in my head yesterday…WOW! Thank God I have some self-control…I think I managed to hold in most of my crazy…but inside it was horrible!!
I think I have portrayed that I have been a huge mess since Dustin left. I feel like my brain is Swiss cheese and I can’t get anything organized. I feel like I am just barely making it from here to there. I am constantly feeling rushed and that I am forgetting something. Well, I have had enough! I need to get organized! I need to get it together. I am going to make myself a huge chart with to-dos for every day. I am reading (and I don’t really enjoy to read, but I know it’s something I need to do) several books! I am doing a Bible Study with PWOC, one with my sisters and mom, my Spirited child book, and another parenting book…all of this on top of my regular Bible reading. It’s overwhelming at times, but I feel like I am learning a lot.
Connor has early release today. I am excited because he and Gwynn start their Bell Choir tonight. It should be fun :0)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Day 43-51
Wow, September has been rocky!! Every day this month that Connor has had to go to school has been a challenge!! He doesn’t want to go. On Friday, I literally had to take his hand and walk him on the bus. He sat down and looked out the window at me with huge crocodile tears streaming down his face. It was so hard for me to put a smile on my face, wave and blow kisses without bursting into tears myself. Yesterday morning he wouldn’t even put on his shoes. We were so late getting out the door I had to drive. Both he and Gwynn cried the entire way to the bus stop. He hid behind me until the bus came and was on the verge of tears as the bus pulled away. I don’t know what to do! I feel so bad for him. He did so great the first 2 ½ weeks…I can’t figure out why he is melting down now.
There are so many things going on right now that are really stressing me out. I can’t figure out how to cut any of it out either. It’s rather frustrating too because I have all these wonderful people that want to help me out and honestly there isn’t anything anyone can do to help. It’s all still just part of the adjusting to new things. Getting my kiddos adjusted. Getting myself adjusted. Dustin has been gone for 51 days and I feel like I should be good to go by now! Just when I feel like I am getting things going in the right direction…BAM something happens.
Man, I feel like I have been complaining a lot. I need to remind myself to focus on the positive. So instead of focusing on the fact that this morning I walked in on an entire bottle of glitter gloriously sprinkled all over my desk, Agent Blue splattered on every surface of my bathroom, a now permanently blue speckled toilet seat, milk spilled down the front of freshly donned attire and an entire cup of tea on the kitchen floor (all of this before 7:30am)…I am focusing on the fact that Connor didn’t cry today at the bus!!! I would say, YAY for small victories…but that’s pretty huge! Instead of focusing on the fact that my kids both screamed, cried, threw a massive and embarrassing fit for my neighbor to see, and one of them drew with marker all over a wooden puzzle and ripped part of my wall off tonight while they were supposed to be going to sleep…I am going to focus on…screw it…tonight I give up. I don’t even think I can enjoy a small glass of the free bottle of wine I got today. I am going to cry myself silly and pass out.
There are so many things going on right now that are really stressing me out. I can’t figure out how to cut any of it out either. It’s rather frustrating too because I have all these wonderful people that want to help me out and honestly there isn’t anything anyone can do to help. It’s all still just part of the adjusting to new things. Getting my kiddos adjusted. Getting myself adjusted. Dustin has been gone for 51 days and I feel like I should be good to go by now! Just when I feel like I am getting things going in the right direction…BAM something happens.
Man, I feel like I have been complaining a lot. I need to remind myself to focus on the positive. So instead of focusing on the fact that this morning I walked in on an entire bottle of glitter gloriously sprinkled all over my desk, Agent Blue splattered on every surface of my bathroom, a now permanently blue speckled toilet seat, milk spilled down the front of freshly donned attire and an entire cup of tea on the kitchen floor (all of this before 7:30am)…I am focusing on the fact that Connor didn’t cry today at the bus!!! I would say, YAY for small victories…but that’s pretty huge! Instead of focusing on the fact that my kids both screamed, cried, threw a massive and embarrassing fit for my neighbor to see, and one of them drew with marker all over a wooden puzzle and ripped part of my wall off tonight while they were supposed to be going to sleep…I am going to focus on…screw it…tonight I give up. I don’t even think I can enjoy a small glass of the free bottle of wine I got today. I am going to cry myself silly and pass out.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Days 36-42
Well I know you are all DYING to know what happened with my mouse!! I just want you all to know I can feel you cheering me on from across the states…the force is strong. Sadly, as I checked the traps, I hadn’t captured my “friend.” He in fact, as his smarter half (the one that was smart enough to just get caught) had licked all of the traps clean! I lost the battle! However, I recovered from my defeat quickly setting the traps again…but this time, making them harder to get to as I had done outside. I left the house for the morning and came back to…a captured mouse!! It was strange though, as I opened the door under my sink, I barely caught a glimpse of the mouse. It wasn’t on the trap! I was afraid it was still alive. However, upon closer inspection, I realized that it was…but just its finger tips had been trapped. Strange! I gloved up, grabbed the dust pan and took the little creature out to the pasture with his mate in the trash can. Then with bleach water and Lysol in hand, cleaned my kitchen!! I have come to the conclusion, that this is “How you catch a Mouse”…you must put the peanut butter on the bottom of the trap and you must put the trap where it can only be accessed at the spring end and you will have a better chance at…Catching your Mouse! So I won the War of the Mice…but I found rat droppings in my garage today so who knows! They are sending in the giants now! I purchased a Sonic Blaster thing that is supposed to keep them all away…only time will tell…and one can only hope!
I’ve been going through a lot the past week!! It’s been rough! I have had so much going on…so many commitments, so many appointments/meetings!!! I am an introvert…I don’t get all jazzed up and going by constantly surrounding myself with people…in fact, it really drains me. So, I am pretty darn drained right now. In addition, I have had some really big struggles and some really big let downs this week.
For one, my kiddos are starting to go crazy…and I really mean CRAZY. I think they are really feeling the separation and all the changes. It's hard. It's hard for me, someone who really understands what is going on...I can't imagine how hard it is for them!! Connor is crying at the drop of a hat. Gwynn is angry and picking fights with everyone…especially Connor. She is being shy and not wanting to talk to anyone, or do anything…even soccer! Neither of them wants to sleep…unless it’s in my bed…and then they fight over space! I swear I will never complain again about having to share our queen with Dustin again!! Connor almost broke my heart today when he told me he didn’t want to go to school because he was going to miss me too much. Then Gwynn broke out in tears because she missed him but when we went to pick him up, she didn’t want him to come home! Arg. Aside from that, Connor is doing really great in school. He wishes he was in the other class that is always good :0) and his “buddy” from 3rd grade is teaching him how to armpit fart…not too sure what to think about that! I have made the 25 min trip (one way) to the pharmacy, 3 times and still don’t have Connor’s Zyrtec! I can’t buy it in the stores either because of the recall…so he’s a sneezy, itchy little boy right now.
This next struggle is really hard to explain well. I feel “over helped.” I was Googling one day trying to find a passage to encourage a group of women and I stumbled across a thread. This thread was a bunch of people who had various disabilities. They were discussing unwanted help. They were all saying it is so frustrating because people look at them and see their disability…not who they are. They automatically assume that the person needs help. Some offer, some just do, and they were saying it’s really annoying; yet they don’t know how to handle it. If you are rude and push people away, they might stop offering help. However, if you accept the help you don’t need just to make others feel useful, you are hurting yourself. They finally just said, “If I want help, I will ask for it.” Now, I am not saying I know what it’s like to be blind or to be missing a limb, but I kind of get what they are saying. In a way, I have a disability…I am missing my better half! People, out of the goodness of their hearts want to help. What many of them don’t understand is that their help is actually a hindrance and sometimes downright hurtful. I know they don’t mean it. I know they are just trying to help…so what do I do?? The worst is when people try to help me parent. They tell my kiddos, “You need to listen to your mom” in a harsh tone…or snap, “what did your mom tell you?” or I’ve even had an overzealous person just act like I wasn’t even there and take over! To me that’s not helping, that’s telling me I am a bad mom who can't handle her kiddos. I knew she was just trying to help…but that’s not how I need help!! If I need help, I will ask for it (just ask my sister LOL) So, you might be wondering, if I run into a person in a similar situation how can I help?? You can help just being there...keep them company or let them vent without offering advice (unless they ask). A smile and a "How are you today?" are great! I need to learn to do this on my own again. Everything is changing not only for me, but also for my kiddos. We’ve had a lot of change this month. When people see my kiddos acting all crazy, they think they need to step in…but they don’t KNOW my kids…I do…so let ME parent! Both of my kiddos have a hard time with change…that’s part of their “spiritedness” and so when others see misbehavior, I see a struggling child…so it really hurts when people overstep that boundary…because I know it means my kids are hurting, they see a “bad” child and feel the need to do something about it…and that hurts. Wow, that turned into a really big rant! Thanks for hanging in there with me through it!!! LOL
Another thing that has been a HUGE struggle is my emotions!! I think I had mentioned before that I felt like I was in this daze….I couldn’t really feel anything. Well, that has changed!! All of a sudden I have these intense emotions. I am feeling every bit off the loss of Dustin and single parenthood. I am feeling every sad, hurt, look from my kiddos. I am feeling very overwhelmed with all that is on my plate right now. I am really annoyed with all the people (most of whom I don’t know but run into out and about ) who have been so rude and thoughtless to me. I know I mentioned my dr. visit…well at that visit I had my IUD removed. Dustin and I had talked a lot about it and well he’s gone so there really isn’t a need for me to have it…and it drove me crazy…so out it came! Anyway, I was again Googling (love Google if you can’t tell) to see what I should expect from having my IUD removed and found that an IUD can cause mild depression!! I had no idea!! It was crazy too that my rush of “feelings” came back days after I had it taken out! Coincidence?? Maybe I have simply reached acceptance??
The biggest struggle and let down, the one that left me speechless…I still don’t know what to say/do/think about it. I really debated even writing about this…but I did say I would write an open and honest blog…not holding back, so here goes… There is such a long history here…way too much for this already way-too-long blog to go into…but it’s my dad. For those of you who are familiar with that history…that’s probably enough said. However, for those of you who are not…it’s been a very rough and bumpy road starting in early childhood and ending...well obviously it hasn't. My dad had been sick. I hadn’t heard from him in a really long time and so I emailed him to check in. What I got in return, was a 2014 word essay, to be exact, tearing me down. He uses scripture to allude to the fact that I am (and when I say I/me…I mean me and my 5 other siblings) a rebellious child, prodigal son who doesn’t want to come back, that I have been tricked into believing lies and that I am not following Christ. There were many other hurtful things said. At the end he said, “I pray that you all have an awesome life. Goodbye.” Now, what am I supposed to do with that?!? This is not the first time he has “disowned” us. The last time was oddly enough at the same point in our last deployment. I am so tired of being treated like this. I am tired of the ups and downs. I am worth more than being treated this way, by my own "christian" dad to say the least! But I am torn…as a Christian and as a daughter and as someone who has been so hurt that I just stand there, raw, not knowing what to do.
I just finished Beth Moore’s “So Long Insecurity.” Fantastic book!! She has so many wonderful and encouraging passages in there. She points out that all we need to do is “Trust God. Period.” That is what I am going to try and do. Only he knows why we go through what we go through. I am going to trust that all of this, in his time, will be used for his glory. I was thinking the other day about Jesus being my rock. He is my rock, but I have so many pebbles that help me along the way. Every person that prays for me; pebbles. Every person that smiles, gives me a squeeze or says hi; pebbles. My friends; pebbles. My family; pebbles. My kiddos; pebbles. My husband; pebble. Together all of those pebbles lay down under me to support me as I cling to the rock of Jesus in the raging river of life. Even though my toe will probably get stubbed from time to time, those pebbles help the water run a little more smoothly, perhaps even guiding it one way or the other. Almost as important as my saving rock, are the pebbles that support me in my river.
Thank you for being a pebble.
Bible Verse:
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2)
Silver Linings:
♥My God
♥My Pebbles
♥My Struggles=Growth
I’ve been going through a lot the past week!! It’s been rough! I have had so much going on…so many commitments, so many appointments/meetings!!! I am an introvert…I don’t get all jazzed up and going by constantly surrounding myself with people…in fact, it really drains me. So, I am pretty darn drained right now. In addition, I have had some really big struggles and some really big let downs this week.
For one, my kiddos are starting to go crazy…and I really mean CRAZY. I think they are really feeling the separation and all the changes. It's hard. It's hard for me, someone who really understands what is going on...I can't imagine how hard it is for them!! Connor is crying at the drop of a hat. Gwynn is angry and picking fights with everyone…especially Connor. She is being shy and not wanting to talk to anyone, or do anything…even soccer! Neither of them wants to sleep…unless it’s in my bed…and then they fight over space! I swear I will never complain again about having to share our queen with Dustin again!! Connor almost broke my heart today when he told me he didn’t want to go to school because he was going to miss me too much. Then Gwynn broke out in tears because she missed him but when we went to pick him up, she didn’t want him to come home! Arg. Aside from that, Connor is doing really great in school. He wishes he was in the other class that is always good :0) and his “buddy” from 3rd grade is teaching him how to armpit fart…not too sure what to think about that! I have made the 25 min trip (one way) to the pharmacy, 3 times and still don’t have Connor’s Zyrtec! I can’t buy it in the stores either because of the recall…so he’s a sneezy, itchy little boy right now.
This next struggle is really hard to explain well. I feel “over helped.” I was Googling one day trying to find a passage to encourage a group of women and I stumbled across a thread. This thread was a bunch of people who had various disabilities. They were discussing unwanted help. They were all saying it is so frustrating because people look at them and see their disability…not who they are. They automatically assume that the person needs help. Some offer, some just do, and they were saying it’s really annoying; yet they don’t know how to handle it. If you are rude and push people away, they might stop offering help. However, if you accept the help you don’t need just to make others feel useful, you are hurting yourself. They finally just said, “If I want help, I will ask for it.” Now, I am not saying I know what it’s like to be blind or to be missing a limb, but I kind of get what they are saying. In a way, I have a disability…I am missing my better half! People, out of the goodness of their hearts want to help. What many of them don’t understand is that their help is actually a hindrance and sometimes downright hurtful. I know they don’t mean it. I know they are just trying to help…so what do I do?? The worst is when people try to help me parent. They tell my kiddos, “You need to listen to your mom” in a harsh tone…or snap, “what did your mom tell you?” or I’ve even had an overzealous person just act like I wasn’t even there and take over! To me that’s not helping, that’s telling me I am a bad mom who can't handle her kiddos. I knew she was just trying to help…but that’s not how I need help!! If I need help, I will ask for it (just ask my sister LOL) So, you might be wondering, if I run into a person in a similar situation how can I help?? You can help just being there...keep them company or let them vent without offering advice (unless they ask). A smile and a "How are you today?" are great! I need to learn to do this on my own again. Everything is changing not only for me, but also for my kiddos. We’ve had a lot of change this month. When people see my kiddos acting all crazy, they think they need to step in…but they don’t KNOW my kids…I do…so let ME parent! Both of my kiddos have a hard time with change…that’s part of their “spiritedness” and so when others see misbehavior, I see a struggling child…so it really hurts when people overstep that boundary…because I know it means my kids are hurting, they see a “bad” child and feel the need to do something about it…and that hurts. Wow, that turned into a really big rant! Thanks for hanging in there with me through it!!! LOL
Another thing that has been a HUGE struggle is my emotions!! I think I had mentioned before that I felt like I was in this daze….I couldn’t really feel anything. Well, that has changed!! All of a sudden I have these intense emotions. I am feeling every bit off the loss of Dustin and single parenthood. I am feeling every sad, hurt, look from my kiddos. I am feeling very overwhelmed with all that is on my plate right now. I am really annoyed with all the people (most of whom I don’t know but run into out and about ) who have been so rude and thoughtless to me. I know I mentioned my dr. visit…well at that visit I had my IUD removed. Dustin and I had talked a lot about it and well he’s gone so there really isn’t a need for me to have it…and it drove me crazy…so out it came! Anyway, I was again Googling (love Google if you can’t tell) to see what I should expect from having my IUD removed and found that an IUD can cause mild depression!! I had no idea!! It was crazy too that my rush of “feelings” came back days after I had it taken out! Coincidence?? Maybe I have simply reached acceptance??
The biggest struggle and let down, the one that left me speechless…I still don’t know what to say/do/think about it. I really debated even writing about this…but I did say I would write an open and honest blog…not holding back, so here goes… There is such a long history here…way too much for this already way-too-long blog to go into…but it’s my dad. For those of you who are familiar with that history…that’s probably enough said. However, for those of you who are not…it’s been a very rough and bumpy road starting in early childhood and ending...well obviously it hasn't. My dad had been sick. I hadn’t heard from him in a really long time and so I emailed him to check in. What I got in return, was a 2014 word essay, to be exact, tearing me down. He uses scripture to allude to the fact that I am (and when I say I/me…I mean me and my 5 other siblings) a rebellious child, prodigal son who doesn’t want to come back, that I have been tricked into believing lies and that I am not following Christ. There were many other hurtful things said. At the end he said, “I pray that you all have an awesome life. Goodbye.” Now, what am I supposed to do with that?!? This is not the first time he has “disowned” us. The last time was oddly enough at the same point in our last deployment. I am so tired of being treated like this. I am tired of the ups and downs. I am worth more than being treated this way, by my own "christian" dad to say the least! But I am torn…as a Christian and as a daughter and as someone who has been so hurt that I just stand there, raw, not knowing what to do.
I just finished Beth Moore’s “So Long Insecurity.” Fantastic book!! She has so many wonderful and encouraging passages in there. She points out that all we need to do is “Trust God. Period.” That is what I am going to try and do. Only he knows why we go through what we go through. I am going to trust that all of this, in his time, will be used for his glory. I was thinking the other day about Jesus being my rock. He is my rock, but I have so many pebbles that help me along the way. Every person that prays for me; pebbles. Every person that smiles, gives me a squeeze or says hi; pebbles. My friends; pebbles. My family; pebbles. My kiddos; pebbles. My husband; pebble. Together all of those pebbles lay down under me to support me as I cling to the rock of Jesus in the raging river of life. Even though my toe will probably get stubbed from time to time, those pebbles help the water run a little more smoothly, perhaps even guiding it one way or the other. Almost as important as my saving rock, are the pebbles that support me in my river.
Thank you for being a pebble.
Bible Verse:
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2)
Silver Linings:
♥My God
♥My Pebbles
♥My Struggles=Growth
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