Well the last time I left you I was having a really bad day. I seriously wanted to run away and quit. I did cry, but instead of passing out, I grabbed a book that I have had sitting around for a while, but never made the time to read it. The book, Answering the 8 Cries of the Spirited Child. I started to read it and it made me cry again…not because of my day, but because it reminded me that my children ARE Spirited. It reminded me that I will have challenging days, but that there is hope. I was really pleased to discover that it is by a Christian author, which I didn’t know when I bought it.
“But why me? You ask. The best answer is this: God chose you because he knew you were the parent your child would need. And he didn’t make a mistake. You have what it takes. And whatever you lack in patience or wisdom or self-control, God will give you so you can see this job through.”
How could I not be encouraged by those words?? So I know I talk about my kiddos being spirited…but you may be wondering what that is… Here is the quiz that she had in the book…
Spirited Child Inventory
___ When energy was given out, your child got an extra portion.
___The word no is considered a challenge, not an answer.
___Whatever your child is doing, he or she is very intense.
___Your child doesn’t understand the concept of adaptability.
___Your child is a natural-born debater.
___Whatever the norm is for most children, your son or daughter is more.
___Your child resists schedules—as in bedtimes, mealtimes, and routines.
___Your child gives a new meaning to the word persistence.
___Your child is sensitive to sounds, sights, textures, foods and so on.
___Your child often loses his or her temper.
___Your child seems to try deliberately to annoy people.
___Your child often refuses to comply with your rules or requests.
"Rate each statement on a scale of one (not my child) to ten (yep,
that’s definitely my kid). Ad up the score. If ti’s under 50, you probably have a very compliant, cooperative child. If your child’s score is between 70-80, you most likely picked up this book because you recognize your little angel is in the title. If your child scored even higher—well, we recommend that you find some other parents with similarly spirited children and develop a support system. You need it."
My Kiddos scored a 110 and a 113…so you can see where my challenges lie. Reading this, its no wonder people think I have ill behaved children and question my parenting skills. I know I sure did!!! I will never forget the day that I discovered “spirited children.” I had been at the park with Connor. I was appalled by his behavior! Dustin had just left for Iraq, Connor had just turned 3 and I was sure I had a bully on my hands!! I came home in tears and got on Google. I think I searched “how to handle my bully” or something like that. Through clicking on various links, I ended up at a Spirited Child website. As I read, I wept…that was MY son!! I felt like the worst parent in the world and it was so freeing to realize that I wasn’t…that it was just my son’s temperament. I almost laughed when I read a story about a little boy who wouldn’t eat his PBJ because it was cut the wrong way and on the wrong color plate…I had just had that EXACT same thing happen the day before!!
Anyway, so in short a “spirited child” is…more…of everything :0)
• Intensity—meaning greater drama, easier cry response, making more demands on parents.
• Persistence—gets committed to and stays with ideas, may argue points with parents long after an issue is settled.
• High Energy Level—also sometimes labeled hyperactive, but many who write on this disorder do not want the term hyperactivity confused with the disorder(ADHD).
• Sensitive—may be overly sensitive to sounds, slight discomfort, pictures, and stimuli of all sorts.
• Difficult Adaptability—may react with greater emotion to changes like attending school, or moving to a new house.
• Moody—may be more prone to get cranky, but may also be susceptible to and more perceptive of the moods of others.
In the book, Answering the 8 Cries of the Spirited Child, she has a chart with 4 different “types” of spiritedness… Gwynn is 1&2, Connor is 3&4 and I am (yes, I am a spirited parent!) 2&3! It makes it very confusing. What works for Connor does not work for Gwynn. What works for me, does not work for either of my children. Anyway, it was great to pick up another book and renew my strength, so to speak, in parenting.
We’ve had some really great days since then! Gwynn had another soccer game. This one didn’t go so well. When a spirited child is either tired or hungry, forget any cooperation!! Well, opening ceremony started at 9 and the game was from 10-11…and by the time we got to the game, Gwynn was done. I didn’t know it was going to be that long or I would have brought more snacks and she probably would have been fine. We did have Taco John’s after that though :0)
Sunday I started the hand bell choir. I had completely forgotten how much I LOVED to ring until I picked up the first bell. It is so much fun! I hadn’t rung since high school, maybe even middle school…it’s been a long time, but it just came back, like riding a bike. Afterward, the director said, “You guys (my sis was there too) are really good!” I told her I hadn’t rung in at least 10 years to which she replied, “Well I am not complaining!” It made me feel really good.
Connor has a buddy that lives down the street. He is in second grade, but they really love playing together. I didn’t realize it, but there are 4 Kindergartners on my little 15 house cul-de-sac. They have fun playing together. Last night when Jackson brought Connor home I thanked him for having Connor come play. He replied, “Oh, it’s my pleasure,” with his hand on his chest! This is definitely the kind of friend you want your child to have!
Connor has been struggling in school…with refocus. Every day I ask if he had to go, and when he says yes, we talk about why. We had a huge discussion about choices and consequences. Some things have happened that I don’t agree with how the teacher handled them, but I do support her and how she handles her class. It’s hard when your son followed the rules, and was doing what was right, and still gets in trouble. I just pray he is learning some valuable lessons. I know how hard it is for me to have a spirited child at home…I can’t imagine how hard it is to have one in class!
It appears that I didn’t quite think through all of the possible ramifications of getting rid of my IUD. Yesterday I was slammed, and I do mean SLAMMED with PMS! I haven’t had to deal with this in…what 4 years! The last time this happened to me was before I got preggo with Gwynn! It was horrible. If you could have been in my head yesterday…WOW! Thank God I have some self-control…I think I managed to hold in most of my crazy…but inside it was horrible!!
I think I have portrayed that I have been a huge mess since Dustin left. I feel like my brain is Swiss cheese and I can’t get anything organized. I feel like I am just barely making it from here to there. I am constantly feeling rushed and that I am forgetting something. Well, I have had enough! I need to get organized! I need to get it together. I am going to make myself a huge chart with to-dos for every day. I am reading (and I don’t really enjoy to read, but I know it’s something I need to do) several books! I am doing a Bible Study with PWOC, one with my sisters and mom, my Spirited child book, and another parenting book…all of this on top of my regular Bible reading. It’s overwhelming at times, but I feel like I am learning a lot.
Connor has early release today. I am excited because he and Gwynn start their Bell Choir tonight. It should be fun :0)
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Day 43-51
Wow, September has been rocky!! Every day this month that Connor has had to go to school has been a challenge!! He doesn’t want to go. On Friday, I literally had to take his hand and walk him on the bus. He sat down and looked out the window at me with huge crocodile tears streaming down his face. It was so hard for me to put a smile on my face, wave and blow kisses without bursting into tears myself. Yesterday morning he wouldn’t even put on his shoes. We were so late getting out the door I had to drive. Both he and Gwynn cried the entire way to the bus stop. He hid behind me until the bus came and was on the verge of tears as the bus pulled away. I don’t know what to do! I feel so bad for him. He did so great the first 2 ½ weeks…I can’t figure out why he is melting down now.
There are so many things going on right now that are really stressing me out. I can’t figure out how to cut any of it out either. It’s rather frustrating too because I have all these wonderful people that want to help me out and honestly there isn’t anything anyone can do to help. It’s all still just part of the adjusting to new things. Getting my kiddos adjusted. Getting myself adjusted. Dustin has been gone for 51 days and I feel like I should be good to go by now! Just when I feel like I am getting things going in the right direction…BAM something happens.
Man, I feel like I have been complaining a lot. I need to remind myself to focus on the positive. So instead of focusing on the fact that this morning I walked in on an entire bottle of glitter gloriously sprinkled all over my desk, Agent Blue splattered on every surface of my bathroom, a now permanently blue speckled toilet seat, milk spilled down the front of freshly donned attire and an entire cup of tea on the kitchen floor (all of this before 7:30am)…I am focusing on the fact that Connor didn’t cry today at the bus!!! I would say, YAY for small victories…but that’s pretty huge! Instead of focusing on the fact that my kids both screamed, cried, threw a massive and embarrassing fit for my neighbor to see, and one of them drew with marker all over a wooden puzzle and ripped part of my wall off tonight while they were supposed to be going to sleep…I am going to focus on…screw it…tonight I give up. I don’t even think I can enjoy a small glass of the free bottle of wine I got today. I am going to cry myself silly and pass out.
There are so many things going on right now that are really stressing me out. I can’t figure out how to cut any of it out either. It’s rather frustrating too because I have all these wonderful people that want to help me out and honestly there isn’t anything anyone can do to help. It’s all still just part of the adjusting to new things. Getting my kiddos adjusted. Getting myself adjusted. Dustin has been gone for 51 days and I feel like I should be good to go by now! Just when I feel like I am getting things going in the right direction…BAM something happens.
Man, I feel like I have been complaining a lot. I need to remind myself to focus on the positive. So instead of focusing on the fact that this morning I walked in on an entire bottle of glitter gloriously sprinkled all over my desk, Agent Blue splattered on every surface of my bathroom, a now permanently blue speckled toilet seat, milk spilled down the front of freshly donned attire and an entire cup of tea on the kitchen floor (all of this before 7:30am)…I am focusing on the fact that Connor didn’t cry today at the bus!!! I would say, YAY for small victories…but that’s pretty huge! Instead of focusing on the fact that my kids both screamed, cried, threw a massive and embarrassing fit for my neighbor to see, and one of them drew with marker all over a wooden puzzle and ripped part of my wall off tonight while they were supposed to be going to sleep…I am going to focus on…screw it…tonight I give up. I don’t even think I can enjoy a small glass of the free bottle of wine I got today. I am going to cry myself silly and pass out.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Days 36-42
Well I know you are all DYING to know what happened with my mouse!! I just want you all to know I can feel you cheering me on from across the states…the force is strong. Sadly, as I checked the traps, I hadn’t captured my “friend.” He in fact, as his smarter half (the one that was smart enough to just get caught) had licked all of the traps clean! I lost the battle! However, I recovered from my defeat quickly setting the traps again…but this time, making them harder to get to as I had done outside. I left the house for the morning and came back to…a captured mouse!! It was strange though, as I opened the door under my sink, I barely caught a glimpse of the mouse. It wasn’t on the trap! I was afraid it was still alive. However, upon closer inspection, I realized that it was…but just its finger tips had been trapped. Strange! I gloved up, grabbed the dust pan and took the little creature out to the pasture with his mate in the trash can. Then with bleach water and Lysol in hand, cleaned my kitchen!! I have come to the conclusion, that this is “How you catch a Mouse”…you must put the peanut butter on the bottom of the trap and you must put the trap where it can only be accessed at the spring end and you will have a better chance at…Catching your Mouse! So I won the War of the Mice…but I found rat droppings in my garage today so who knows! They are sending in the giants now! I purchased a Sonic Blaster thing that is supposed to keep them all away…only time will tell…and one can only hope!
I’ve been going through a lot the past week!! It’s been rough! I have had so much going on…so many commitments, so many appointments/meetings!!! I am an introvert…I don’t get all jazzed up and going by constantly surrounding myself with people…in fact, it really drains me. So, I am pretty darn drained right now. In addition, I have had some really big struggles and some really big let downs this week.
For one, my kiddos are starting to go crazy…and I really mean CRAZY. I think they are really feeling the separation and all the changes. It's hard. It's hard for me, someone who really understands what is going on...I can't imagine how hard it is for them!! Connor is crying at the drop of a hat. Gwynn is angry and picking fights with everyone…especially Connor. She is being shy and not wanting to talk to anyone, or do anything…even soccer! Neither of them wants to sleep…unless it’s in my bed…and then they fight over space! I swear I will never complain again about having to share our queen with Dustin again!! Connor almost broke my heart today when he told me he didn’t want to go to school because he was going to miss me too much. Then Gwynn broke out in tears because she missed him but when we went to pick him up, she didn’t want him to come home! Arg. Aside from that, Connor is doing really great in school. He wishes he was in the other class that is always good :0) and his “buddy” from 3rd grade is teaching him how to armpit fart…not too sure what to think about that! I have made the 25 min trip (one way) to the pharmacy, 3 times and still don’t have Connor’s Zyrtec! I can’t buy it in the stores either because of the recall…so he’s a sneezy, itchy little boy right now.
This next struggle is really hard to explain well. I feel “over helped.” I was Googling one day trying to find a passage to encourage a group of women and I stumbled across a thread. This thread was a bunch of people who had various disabilities. They were discussing unwanted help. They were all saying it is so frustrating because people look at them and see their disability…not who they are. They automatically assume that the person needs help. Some offer, some just do, and they were saying it’s really annoying; yet they don’t know how to handle it. If you are rude and push people away, they might stop offering help. However, if you accept the help you don’t need just to make others feel useful, you are hurting yourself. They finally just said, “If I want help, I will ask for it.” Now, I am not saying I know what it’s like to be blind or to be missing a limb, but I kind of get what they are saying. In a way, I have a disability…I am missing my better half! People, out of the goodness of their hearts want to help. What many of them don’t understand is that their help is actually a hindrance and sometimes downright hurtful. I know they don’t mean it. I know they are just trying to help…so what do I do?? The worst is when people try to help me parent. They tell my kiddos, “You need to listen to your mom” in a harsh tone…or snap, “what did your mom tell you?” or I’ve even had an overzealous person just act like I wasn’t even there and take over! To me that’s not helping, that’s telling me I am a bad mom who can't handle her kiddos. I knew she was just trying to help…but that’s not how I need help!! If I need help, I will ask for it (just ask my sister LOL) So, you might be wondering, if I run into a person in a similar situation how can I help?? You can help just being there...keep them company or let them vent without offering advice (unless they ask). A smile and a "How are you today?" are great! I need to learn to do this on my own again. Everything is changing not only for me, but also for my kiddos. We’ve had a lot of change this month. When people see my kiddos acting all crazy, they think they need to step in…but they don’t KNOW my kids…I do…so let ME parent! Both of my kiddos have a hard time with change…that’s part of their “spiritedness” and so when others see misbehavior, I see a struggling child…so it really hurts when people overstep that boundary…because I know it means my kids are hurting, they see a “bad” child and feel the need to do something about it…and that hurts. Wow, that turned into a really big rant! Thanks for hanging in there with me through it!!! LOL
Another thing that has been a HUGE struggle is my emotions!! I think I had mentioned before that I felt like I was in this daze….I couldn’t really feel anything. Well, that has changed!! All of a sudden I have these intense emotions. I am feeling every bit off the loss of Dustin and single parenthood. I am feeling every sad, hurt, look from my kiddos. I am feeling very overwhelmed with all that is on my plate right now. I am really annoyed with all the people (most of whom I don’t know but run into out and about ) who have been so rude and thoughtless to me. I know I mentioned my dr. visit…well at that visit I had my IUD removed. Dustin and I had talked a lot about it and well he’s gone so there really isn’t a need for me to have it…and it drove me crazy…so out it came! Anyway, I was again Googling (love Google if you can’t tell) to see what I should expect from having my IUD removed and found that an IUD can cause mild depression!! I had no idea!! It was crazy too that my rush of “feelings” came back days after I had it taken out! Coincidence?? Maybe I have simply reached acceptance??
The biggest struggle and let down, the one that left me speechless…I still don’t know what to say/do/think about it. I really debated even writing about this…but I did say I would write an open and honest blog…not holding back, so here goes… There is such a long history here…way too much for this already way-too-long blog to go into…but it’s my dad. For those of you who are familiar with that history…that’s probably enough said. However, for those of you who are not…it’s been a very rough and bumpy road starting in early childhood and ending...well obviously it hasn't. My dad had been sick. I hadn’t heard from him in a really long time and so I emailed him to check in. What I got in return, was a 2014 word essay, to be exact, tearing me down. He uses scripture to allude to the fact that I am (and when I say I/me…I mean me and my 5 other siblings) a rebellious child, prodigal son who doesn’t want to come back, that I have been tricked into believing lies and that I am not following Christ. There were many other hurtful things said. At the end he said, “I pray that you all have an awesome life. Goodbye.” Now, what am I supposed to do with that?!? This is not the first time he has “disowned” us. The last time was oddly enough at the same point in our last deployment. I am so tired of being treated like this. I am tired of the ups and downs. I am worth more than being treated this way, by my own "christian" dad to say the least! But I am torn…as a Christian and as a daughter and as someone who has been so hurt that I just stand there, raw, not knowing what to do.
I just finished Beth Moore’s “So Long Insecurity.” Fantastic book!! She has so many wonderful and encouraging passages in there. She points out that all we need to do is “Trust God. Period.” That is what I am going to try and do. Only he knows why we go through what we go through. I am going to trust that all of this, in his time, will be used for his glory. I was thinking the other day about Jesus being my rock. He is my rock, but I have so many pebbles that help me along the way. Every person that prays for me; pebbles. Every person that smiles, gives me a squeeze or says hi; pebbles. My friends; pebbles. My family; pebbles. My kiddos; pebbles. My husband; pebble. Together all of those pebbles lay down under me to support me as I cling to the rock of Jesus in the raging river of life. Even though my toe will probably get stubbed from time to time, those pebbles help the water run a little more smoothly, perhaps even guiding it one way or the other. Almost as important as my saving rock, are the pebbles that support me in my river.
Thank you for being a pebble.
Bible Verse:
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2)
Silver Linings:
♥My God
♥My Pebbles
♥My Struggles=Growth
I’ve been going through a lot the past week!! It’s been rough! I have had so much going on…so many commitments, so many appointments/meetings!!! I am an introvert…I don’t get all jazzed up and going by constantly surrounding myself with people…in fact, it really drains me. So, I am pretty darn drained right now. In addition, I have had some really big struggles and some really big let downs this week.
For one, my kiddos are starting to go crazy…and I really mean CRAZY. I think they are really feeling the separation and all the changes. It's hard. It's hard for me, someone who really understands what is going on...I can't imagine how hard it is for them!! Connor is crying at the drop of a hat. Gwynn is angry and picking fights with everyone…especially Connor. She is being shy and not wanting to talk to anyone, or do anything…even soccer! Neither of them wants to sleep…unless it’s in my bed…and then they fight over space! I swear I will never complain again about having to share our queen with Dustin again!! Connor almost broke my heart today when he told me he didn’t want to go to school because he was going to miss me too much. Then Gwynn broke out in tears because she missed him but when we went to pick him up, she didn’t want him to come home! Arg. Aside from that, Connor is doing really great in school. He wishes he was in the other class that is always good :0) and his “buddy” from 3rd grade is teaching him how to armpit fart…not too sure what to think about that! I have made the 25 min trip (one way) to the pharmacy, 3 times and still don’t have Connor’s Zyrtec! I can’t buy it in the stores either because of the recall…so he’s a sneezy, itchy little boy right now.
This next struggle is really hard to explain well. I feel “over helped.” I was Googling one day trying to find a passage to encourage a group of women and I stumbled across a thread. This thread was a bunch of people who had various disabilities. They were discussing unwanted help. They were all saying it is so frustrating because people look at them and see their disability…not who they are. They automatically assume that the person needs help. Some offer, some just do, and they were saying it’s really annoying; yet they don’t know how to handle it. If you are rude and push people away, they might stop offering help. However, if you accept the help you don’t need just to make others feel useful, you are hurting yourself. They finally just said, “If I want help, I will ask for it.” Now, I am not saying I know what it’s like to be blind or to be missing a limb, but I kind of get what they are saying. In a way, I have a disability…I am missing my better half! People, out of the goodness of their hearts want to help. What many of them don’t understand is that their help is actually a hindrance and sometimes downright hurtful. I know they don’t mean it. I know they are just trying to help…so what do I do?? The worst is when people try to help me parent. They tell my kiddos, “You need to listen to your mom” in a harsh tone…or snap, “what did your mom tell you?” or I’ve even had an overzealous person just act like I wasn’t even there and take over! To me that’s not helping, that’s telling me I am a bad mom who can't handle her kiddos. I knew she was just trying to help…but that’s not how I need help!! If I need help, I will ask for it (just ask my sister LOL) So, you might be wondering, if I run into a person in a similar situation how can I help?? You can help just being there...keep them company or let them vent without offering advice (unless they ask). A smile and a "How are you today?" are great! I need to learn to do this on my own again. Everything is changing not only for me, but also for my kiddos. We’ve had a lot of change this month. When people see my kiddos acting all crazy, they think they need to step in…but they don’t KNOW my kids…I do…so let ME parent! Both of my kiddos have a hard time with change…that’s part of their “spiritedness” and so when others see misbehavior, I see a struggling child…so it really hurts when people overstep that boundary…because I know it means my kids are hurting, they see a “bad” child and feel the need to do something about it…and that hurts. Wow, that turned into a really big rant! Thanks for hanging in there with me through it!!! LOL
Another thing that has been a HUGE struggle is my emotions!! I think I had mentioned before that I felt like I was in this daze….I couldn’t really feel anything. Well, that has changed!! All of a sudden I have these intense emotions. I am feeling every bit off the loss of Dustin and single parenthood. I am feeling every sad, hurt, look from my kiddos. I am feeling very overwhelmed with all that is on my plate right now. I am really annoyed with all the people (most of whom I don’t know but run into out and about ) who have been so rude and thoughtless to me. I know I mentioned my dr. visit…well at that visit I had my IUD removed. Dustin and I had talked a lot about it and well he’s gone so there really isn’t a need for me to have it…and it drove me crazy…so out it came! Anyway, I was again Googling (love Google if you can’t tell) to see what I should expect from having my IUD removed and found that an IUD can cause mild depression!! I had no idea!! It was crazy too that my rush of “feelings” came back days after I had it taken out! Coincidence?? Maybe I have simply reached acceptance??
The biggest struggle and let down, the one that left me speechless…I still don’t know what to say/do/think about it. I really debated even writing about this…but I did say I would write an open and honest blog…not holding back, so here goes… There is such a long history here…way too much for this already way-too-long blog to go into…but it’s my dad. For those of you who are familiar with that history…that’s probably enough said. However, for those of you who are not…it’s been a very rough and bumpy road starting in early childhood and ending...well obviously it hasn't. My dad had been sick. I hadn’t heard from him in a really long time and so I emailed him to check in. What I got in return, was a 2014 word essay, to be exact, tearing me down. He uses scripture to allude to the fact that I am (and when I say I/me…I mean me and my 5 other siblings) a rebellious child, prodigal son who doesn’t want to come back, that I have been tricked into believing lies and that I am not following Christ. There were many other hurtful things said. At the end he said, “I pray that you all have an awesome life. Goodbye.” Now, what am I supposed to do with that?!? This is not the first time he has “disowned” us. The last time was oddly enough at the same point in our last deployment. I am so tired of being treated like this. I am tired of the ups and downs. I am worth more than being treated this way, by my own "christian" dad to say the least! But I am torn…as a Christian and as a daughter and as someone who has been so hurt that I just stand there, raw, not knowing what to do.
I just finished Beth Moore’s “So Long Insecurity.” Fantastic book!! She has so many wonderful and encouraging passages in there. She points out that all we need to do is “Trust God. Period.” That is what I am going to try and do. Only he knows why we go through what we go through. I am going to trust that all of this, in his time, will be used for his glory. I was thinking the other day about Jesus being my rock. He is my rock, but I have so many pebbles that help me along the way. Every person that prays for me; pebbles. Every person that smiles, gives me a squeeze or says hi; pebbles. My friends; pebbles. My family; pebbles. My kiddos; pebbles. My husband; pebble. Together all of those pebbles lay down under me to support me as I cling to the rock of Jesus in the raging river of life. Even though my toe will probably get stubbed from time to time, those pebbles help the water run a little more smoothly, perhaps even guiding it one way or the other. Almost as important as my saving rock, are the pebbles that support me in my river.
Thank you for being a pebble.
Bible Verse:
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2)
Silver Linings:
♥My God
♥My Pebbles
♥My Struggles=Growth
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