Well now that my pity party is over… We are all human. We all have those days, right?? Boy do I feel like a big baby though. Thursday, I was stressed out, in pain and tired. You should all be thankful I didn’t blog on Saturday!! I was so hurt that I was ready to dig in, guns a blazin’ and leave no man left to tell about it. But that brings up a great question. Something I have been struggling with for a long time. We’ve all been told, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” What if something not nice, NEEDS to be said? Then what? My human side wants to scream it out. My trying-to-be-Christ-like side bites my tongue…and sometimes it draws blood!! But is that right? Is that what Jesus would do? Walk away, without saying anything or speak the truth in love?
I was done and I was going to speak my peace. I was going to explain just how I was hurt and not hold anything back. However, my pastor spoke about showing others Christ, in us, through our actions. Man did I feel convicted about even thinking of letting Mamma Bear growl. Then my sister-in-love sent out an email with our questions for our next study… “Do our lives reflect Christ?” (after going back and reading that…It actually said “reflect trust in Christ”…but I think God was still speaking to me through her words and my inability to read correctly!) Then I watched a video my sister shared that spoke about Isaiah 55:8-9 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.”
Okay God, I get it. Your thoughts are so much higher than my sinful thoughts. I need to show you and your love and grace to others through my actions. I need to try, as feebly as it might be, to reflect you and your ways. You have given me so much grace and mercy…and I know I have not always been as grateful of the amazing gift you gave me as I should be. But you don’t yell at me, cutting me to my quick because I don’t act as grateful as I should. I need to extend the same grace and mercy you gave me and show you through my actions.
I was reminded of the song, “You are the potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me, this is what I pray.” Also, “Refiner’s fire, my hearts one desire, is to be holy, set apart for you my master, ready to do your will.” I realized how selfish and un-Christ-like I was being. If that really, truly is my desire, it’s not an easy path…it’s going to be hard and it’s going to hurt sometimes. I remember the saying that goes something like…It’s not about what life hands you, its how you handle it. I really think that’s true. We are all given lumps and bumps on the road…but how do we handle it? Do we throw a pity party like I did the other day, or do we put on our big girl panties and try to grow from it?
Well it turns out I did both. After I threw a fit, I put on my big girl panties and learned from this. I need to put my family and our needs first. I really need to learn to set firm boundaries. I need to learn to help those that are truly in need and let others learn to deal with their own choices and the consequences of them. I need to learn to say no…when I know that is what needs to be said. Instead of getting mad at people for their ignorance, I need to educate them. I need to make clear what I need from the people in my life.
I can’t be mad at people for doing things they don’t know bother me…so with a fresh start for everyone (myself included), here is a little education on my and what I need from the people that come into our home and into our lives. When you, as a “civilian” come into our lives, you need to realize that you are not walking into a “normal” family life. We are different. We are special. I don’t care who you have talked to, who you know or if you watch Army Wives or Coming Home; unless you are presently an Army family, you cannot understand the stress and things that we go through daily and the special needs and considerations this requires. We go through enough in our daily lives that we do not need judgment of any kind. I need you to respect my schedule and rules. I do not need you to tell my children what to do. I do not need your advice on parenting. I am a fantastic mother. It may not look like it to you, things might look very chaotic (trust me they are) but I have it under control. You may have parenting under your belt, but you’ve never parented an “Army Brat.” I realize you don’t really know what it’s like to be an Army wife. I know you don’t really know what it’s like to be an “Arm Brat” or what challenges we have raising them. I don’t honestly expect you to. There is no way that you possibly could.
However, if you walk into our lives, I do expect you to not be judgmental of something you don’t understand, but instead be supportive and have fun with my kids!! Take their minds off of the fact that their daddy is gone, has been gone for a long time and might not come back (yes they understand that at 3 and 6.) I do expect you to respect what we go through and understand we are going to have bad days…frequently, but that doesn’t mean that they are bad kids or that I am not parenting them correctly; it simply means we’re going through a lot. If you can’t even try to understand or respect our lives, you don’t deserve to be a part of them. I might let you walk into our lives, disrespect our house and lives while you are in it, say nothing about it in trying to be a good Christian, but don’t expect us to roll over and take it again. Don’t expect to be welcomed back into our lives with open arms. I will still love you, but probably from afar. I am not being mean or cold; I am being a good mother. My job is to protect my children. I can’t spare them a lot of pain or sadness that they will surely endeavor as “Army Brats,” but you better bet your bottom dollar that I will do whatever it takes to spare them whatever pain I can. My children are strong. My children are AMAZING. I thank God every day for giving them to me. I am so blessed to have them in my life.
Today is a new day. I am putting my family first. I don’t think that is un-Christ-like at all…and if it is, I am sure that He will lay it on my heart. After all, I am the clay and he is the potter. I am excited to have my house to myself today. I got to lay in bed and chat with my hubby while both of my kiddos slept in until 7. That’s a great way to start off my new day!
Having the day to myself was nice...this evening however...in the quiet...it hit me. Reality. Everything that I have been keeping at the back of my mind all month struck and I couldn’t hold back the tears. Part of it is really realizing that my husband is gone again and this shoots up flares for tomorrow. My kiddos will probably be moody now that the house is quiet and they are fully realizing and dealing with it too. Most of it though is my health. When I found out that it wasn’t ovarian cysts but rather Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and possibly Cervical Cancer, I was on my way to pick up my in-loves. Then they left, my brother came over, my parents showed up and just this evening I was left alone with my thoughts. I think if I had my husband to cry with and to hold me, I’d be okay. The thing is though, I am so miserable, I’m not sure I’d even want to be held. I have a day and a half left of my meds and I am no better than I was when this all started. I am still in a lot of pain…the pain is encompassing more of my pelvis…and I am still really nauseous. You would think that all of my tests coming back normal would be a relief…and it was…but if 3 antibiotics haven’t done the trick, and there is nothing to treat because I don’t have any infections or STIs (duh) causing the inflammation…I just don’t know what they are going to be able to do from me.
This is hard to do alone. Dustin is having a really hard time with it too because he’s so far away, and there really isn’t anything he can do for me. So, if you’re reading this and you pray, please keep us in your prayers. Please pray that when I go for my ultrasound next week that the cause will be obvious. I know that in Christ we are not alone. I can do all things through him. It’s just nice to know you have others in your corner too :0)
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