Week 2: Putting on my Big Girl Panties

This week has been a challenge and I have been pretty darn grumpy. It did start out really well. We got in the car on Saturday and drove. We drove up the Leeward (West) coast as far North as we could go on the road we were on. We ended up on a pretty rough beach. The waves were really busy and the wind was quite fierce. I am sure when my kiddos thought of the beach, they didn’t think of the sand stinging their legs as it whipped past. It was beautiful though. There was a painting class capturing the waves on their canvases. There were a few men fishing. There were even a few brave souls out in the water. We got our feet wet until a huge wave came and Dustin had to lift the kids up…then we just dug around in the sand and I captured a few waves on my digital.

We headed back down the coast line. What I wasn’t prepared for was a little village, if you will, of make-shift houses out of tents, tarps, cars, tires…you name it, it was probably there. It looked like it had been there for quite a while. The island is speckled with the homeless. I guess if I had to be homeless, this wouldn’t be a bad place to be…but it’s still really sad. I was also surprised by the signs calling other Hawaiians sell outs for becoming a state. I know I am in “the states,” but sometimes it really doesn’t feel like it.

We drove around until we found a Military Recreation beach. We knew we weren’t in a very good area of the island so we decided it would be safer, at least until we get our island bearings, to be on a gated beach. It was really beautiful. It’s amazing to me how the terrain changed so much in the few miles that we drove. The waves were much calmer, the sun was out and the wind barely made an appearance. While the kiddos splashed in the waves with Dustin and tried to catch the little fish, I sat on the shore line and just took it all in, letting the waves gently wash over me and then fade back into the ocean. I looked out at the endlessness of the huge ocean and was reminded that God’s love for me is as deep as the ocean. It’s never ending. I lost myself in silent prayer and worship, feeling the waves come and go with the sun basking down on me. It was a beautiful moment, reminding me of God’s love pouring over me and the Son shining down on me. I was quickly brought back to this earth as a big wave rolled in and splashed my face…salty! The salt that clung to my lips reminded me that even though His love is never ending and constantly washing over me, there will be tears and struggles. If only I would have remembered that for the rest of the week!

The first week here was an adventure, but now, it’s just frustrating. I am a very strong type A, and I am feeling so unsettled. I want to get into my routine, but I know as soon as we get a house, all of that will change. The kids are already really getting on each other’s (and to be honest my) nerves. We are all up in each other’s space and business. I am tired of having to leave the room for 30 minutes every time the maid wants to clean because she refuses to do it with us in here. I am frustrated with cooking in the microwave because there aren’t a lot of options and going to the store every day because we don’t have a freezer. I am frustrated that it costs $2.50 a day for the bus because it takes me 20-30 min to drive a mile to Connor’s school. It only takes 20 minutes to walk, but walking 4 miles a day with a toddler in tow and a bum achy knee just isn’t going to happen. I swear if I hear, “but I don’t like to walk” or “I don’t like to sleep” one more time… I am frustrated that it costs me $2.50-$3 for a load of laundry when my washer and dryer are on their way. It’s frustrating to see people that are getting placed in homes and only spending a week in the hotel (I am SO happy for them…just frustrating for me.) It’s frustrating that other “things” aren’t happening because the kids are right next to us and it’s just weird. So, there’s my little gripe session. I just had to get it out. I feel so bad that I have been grumpy this week. I have been snapping at Dustin and the kids and I know it only adds to everything else. They are feeling everything I am, and they don’t need my attitude on top of that! It’s like a crappy Sunday with rotten whipped cream and a moldy cherry on top. Who would that make happy??

We did get offered a place though. I am excited about it. It is in a newer section. It’s a duplex with a garage and a/c. The best part is that it is in the same school district as the hotel so Connor won’t have to change schools! The unfortunate thing is that we can’t move in until after Thanksgiving. I think finding out we got a house, but that we are going to be in this hotel for FIFTY-THREE days was a huge part of my frustration. Today, I put on my big girl panties. I accepted the fact that we are going to be here for a while and went ahead and settled us in a little bit more. I went through everything and reorganized it all. Now that I know we are going to be here for a while (to say the least), I decided we needed to make it more comfortable. I think a lot of my grumpiness was coming from the uncertainty of it all. Now that I have an end date in site, I can prepare myself. Our house still hasn’t sold in Colorado and while that is frustrating, it does give us that many more days to get it sold before we have to pay rent and mortgage. Also, our car is at port! We should have it sometime this next week!! We decided today that even though we really wanted to make this work with one car, we probably need to get a second car…so a car shopping we will go!

Connor is really excited that he gets to stay in his class. He isn’t the new student any more either. They got a new girl and he is trying to make her feel comfortable because he knows what she is going through. It’s really sweet. We got to turn in a paper saying he will officially be going to that school and Dustin got the paperwork from the Doc so Connor can take his Epi Pen to school…so we get to settle in at the school too. Today he came home calling me the Hawaiian name for mother :0)

I got to go to PWOC here this week and it was great!! The ladies were so nice and so welcoming. That’s what I love about PWOC…it’s like a family away from family. You know you will walk in and be welcomed by women who love the Lord. As I was walking in, my flip flop broke! Having been dropped off and not wanting to hop back to the hotel on one foot, with Gwynn, I just took it off. Can I just say…I am not making a very good first impression at this chapel! First appearance, I lost my son and cried. Second appearance, I walk around with one shoe. Oh well, they accepted me tear streaked, dirty footed and all!

Tonight when Dustin got home we got in the car and took off again! We ended up in Pearl City at the southern end of the island. It was really busy and congested, but they have Wal Mart and McD’s!

This week I started up my 40 days of Thankfulness. As I sat and thought of things to be thankful for, I realized how selfish and spoiled I am…refer to the 4th paragraph if you must. Even though it kind of hurt to realize that, I am glad I did. God and I had a good talk in the shower and it helped to get my heart back in the right place. I am really blessed. I have a lot of great things in my life to be thankful for and that’s what I need to focus on…not the crap in the 4th paragraph :0)

Inn at Schofield: Week 1

We have survived a week in the hotel! You might not think that is an accomplishment, but let me tell you what…it IS! The kids did really well on the trip here. Gwynn had a meltdown in the Salt Lake airport over apples vs fries for lunch. In truth, that issue was only a mask for her sheer exhaustion and stubborn refusal to take a nap. However, once we got on the plane, it took a millisecond for her to curl up in her seat and pass out. Connor still refused.

Although tired, we were excited to get the rental car (for our 8 bags!), head to the hotel and start our 30 days of “vacation” and settling in. However, our dreams were quickly dashed when Dustin went to the USO and found out if we did that, we were paying for everything out of pocket. He had to sign in and go right to work. It wasn’t much of a choice... Then we found out we had to take a shuttle to the rental car and I wasn’t up for putting our luggage on a bus, then off, then into a car so Gwynn and I stayed at the airport while the boys went to get the car. Gwynn took it upon herself to dance the hula to keep me entertained :0)

We quickly realized that we didn’t know where we were going once we got on the road…but we figured it out! We weren’t expecting the view that we got either. When you think of Hawai’i, you see the beautiful coast line and beaches. You see the tall hotels overlooking them. You don’t see rundown buildings, roads, and crazy drivers. You don’t see poverty everywhere you look. We were shocked. We did make it to post though only having to narrowly escape once crazy driver hitting us. We found the hotel quite easily and were super excited to find out that instead of the smallest room, we got the largest!!! Thankful that Dustin signed in, because it’s $184 a night (x30 ouch!) We are as settled in as we can be. Things are in drawers and baskets. We have cupboards so our groceries are put away and I don’t have any need for my hanging shelves I brought! We even put up static cling Halloween directions to help it feel a little more homey.

We had planned on registering Connor for school on Friday, but we got here too late, so we crashed! However, we were all wide awake at 3:30! By 5 I couldn’t make any of us stay in bed any longer so we got up realizing we had forgotten to get something for breakfast! So Dustin went and got doughnuts from the convenient store and I unpacked. We were all too tired and cranky to do much on Saturday. Dustin had to take our rental car back, so we just took Saturday to try and recover from 18 hours of traveling. We did go to the store to get some essentials. Gwynn wanted to know why we were still in Hawai’i and Connor asked if we could go to China next :0)

Sunday we went to the chapel. Wow, I wasn’t expecting it to be that big! The kiddos went up for children’s story and then back to their classes and we got to enjoy the rest of the service…and it was nice. Nice to finally hear the Word of God preached in church again! Every church we have been at with our kiddos have had one children’s class. Well there are so many little ones here, they have several! We didn’t know where we were going to get them, but we did eventually find Gwynn. We couldn’t find Connor!! We both walked around several times. We split up and went different ways even. I finally decided that he was lost or we were lost so I asked someone where they would take children that were left in class. That got about 6 people involved in looking for him. I was so tired, I had been awake since 3, I couldn’t help it, and I cried. I knew he was going to be found. I honestly wasn’t worried about that, but I was so tired and after the emotional roller coaster of our house selling and contract falling through and then our trip here, I was just done. Dustin finally found him. He had crossed the street to the PX and was waiting at our rental car. Smart boy!! It’s nice though that we were only here a few days and I already met so many nice and helpful people. Really makes you feel welcomed. I can’t wait to start PWOC next week and get to know those women better!

Monday we got Connor registered for school and he started Tuesday! It was so sweet. He got a lei on his first day so everyone would know he was new, but he was too shy to wear it. The kids were so helpful, telling him where to put his stuff and what to do. We have never lived on post with kids in school. That’s been an adjustment too. Driving Connor to school every morning (because it’s $1.25 each way for the bus) and having it take 20 min to go a mile because you have to stop for soldiers doing PT. Lunch is $2.25. They have really short days too. Connor loves his teacher and the school though. I hope we get housing in this district so that he can stay in this school. Don’t even get me started on the Epi Pen procedure! I am praying Connor doesn’t accidentally eat an egg (which would be almost impossible) and needs it because he can’t have it at school without jumping through a million hoops. I am not sure if Gwynn will be able to go to preK anywhere here, so we might have to do it at home :0)

Our challenges have been getting the kiddos to sleep without bothering each other, sleeping in past 5, having to leave the room every time the maid comes (she takes at least 30 min every time and refuses to clean with us in here,) trying to stay out of each other’s space and cooking dinner in the microwave on a limited selection at the store. It’s funny how quickly you get use to huge selection! This post actually reminds me a lot of Vilseck, just a bit bigger. Also, I have found the difference between this hotel and the hotel in CO interesting. The Inn in Colorado had free laundry, breakfast and we got two rooms! We haven’t had any of those luxuries here. However, this Inn has something very special that the other didn’t…Shakeychia!! Shakeychia and I lived across the street from each other in Germany and were PWOC sisters! I am SO excited to be at the same duty station with her again. She got here 2 weeks before we did so we’ll get to spend the next 3 years together!!

Dustin went to his unit yesterday (which oddly enough is the same unit he was in 6 years ago in WA at Fort Lewis) to find out that he will be in HSB and not in an actual battery. He’s pretty bummed about that and found out that they are about 400% overstaffed there in his rank…so pretty much, we’re still trying to figure out why they moved us here if there isn’t a place for him here. We were hoping this PCS would be good for his career, but as of now, it looks like he’ll be sitting at a desk doing nothing…and that’s never good for gaining rank. Oh well, we have to remember that God has us here for a reason and his plan is so much bigger than ours!

So, a week in and we’re still adjusting to life in a new time zone in a very small space. No we haven’t been to the beach yet. We are actually on the very middle of the island and there isn’t a beach very close. We plan to find one tomorrow though! We were told it might only be a month to get into a house instead of two. That’s good because I don’t do very well when my world is unsettled and it’s feeling very unsettled right now!! However, I don’t really want to rush into a house yet because our stuff isn’t here yet and it wouldn’t really make sense. However, once our stuff gets here, I will be calling housing every day to see if they have a house for us :0)

Reintegration

It’s wonderful to have your soldier home! Everyone thinks that’s the end of the deployment, but it’s really not. Reintegration can be the hardest part of the deployment. For months your soldier has been living a high stress lifestyle. He has been running on few hours of sleep. He’s possibly been kicking in doors and tracking the men who are trying to blow him up. Maybe he’s even been attacked, injured physically or mentally. You don’t even want to know what his eyes have seen. You’ve been running the house by yourself for months. You have had to step up and make all the decisions. You’ve had to pay all the bills, mow the lawn, fix the car, cook dinner, clean up and put the kids to bed. So coming together again can be challenging.

Your soldier may come home a completely different person. He might come home to a completely different wife. He might have PTSD or TBI or a laundry list of other acronyms. He might not be able to sleep. Seeing a car parked on the side of the road may send him into fight or flight mode. He might not even be able to be in a crowded room. There are many things that a soldier has to readjust to when coming home. It’s hard for a wife to readjust too. She’s been doing everything by herself. Asking for help can be hard and unknowingly make your soldier feel useless. It’s hard to share the responsibilities again.

However, we’ve always been pretty blessed in this area. Reintegration has always gone well for us. This time, about a month after Dustin came home he was really cheery. I asked what had him in such a great mood, and he said he finally felt like he was home! WHAT?? I thought it was all good. I didn’t realize that he was still readjusting. If I am honest about it, I am still too. A lot of things I have managed to reshare with Dustin, but sometimes I notice that I am still running the show. I do it without even realizing it!

So, in all the excitement of soldiers coming home, just remember that it doesn’t mean the hard part is over :0)

Days 349-354

Well, this is it…the last night I will blog before Dustin comes home!! He is in the air, on his way home!!!!!!! Only 10 soldiers got to come down early, but at this point, I don’t really care :0) I just want him home.

I find myself in an odd place. Maybe it’s because I still have so much that I wanted to get accomplished before tomorrow. Maybe it’s because I know how much we have to do in the next few months. Maybe it’s because it’s hot, humid and we’re all cranky. But, I find that I am missing butterflies! They flutter in and then flutter out. I remember at this time last deployment I could barely stay in my skin. Perhaps that’s because I had lost a ton of weight and looked great. I had energy. I wasn’t exhausted. This time, I find myself in the exact opposite position. Maybe this year has been such a whirl-wind that Dustin coming home just doesn’t feel real. How does a year fly by and yet drag on?

I saw his name on the manifest today…he is coming home and I got my butterflies. I read an email from our FRG leader saying we only had hours left…I felt so relieved that I cried. So many emotions going through this tired body of mine, I just can’t seem to get overly excited. I am sure once I wake up in the morning it will be all I can do to keep the excitement down. I KNOW once those brave men march into the gym, standing at parade rest, anxiously waiting to be dismissed; I will start crying. Tomorrow will be an amazing day and even if I don’t have those overzealous butterflies tonight, nothing will keep me from welcoming my soldier home with a hug, a kiss, a few tears and a huge smile :0)

Days 340-348

Well, we are in the single digits! I'm not sure how far into them, but we are! I just have to tell you this story, so if you're not familiar with the Army, you'll get a sense of how they run things. Okay so, Dustin was supposed to come home on day X. Then we are told it will be day X+2. Okay, bummer, but it's only 2 more days. Then I get a call from Rear D (the soldiers that stay back during a deployment to run things on this side) telling me it will be Day X+1...even gave me a time!! So I was excited that we're one day closer. This morning, Dustin tells me that there is a rumor they are going to be home on Day X!! WHY? Because Jay Leno is going to be doing a show the evening of Day X and they want to have our Uncasing Ceremony (they take the flags that they fly at their "office" with them and then bring them home and once all the soldiers are home...they "uncase" them to be used again here) at his show. So, they are rushing, not because they want to get everyone home, but because they want to have a ceremony at Jay Leno's show that night and can't unless my husbands flight (last flight in) is back home...crazy huh? I am not complaining if it will get him back on Day X...just saying...

I have SO much to get done in the next week it is crazy! After being sick for so long (feeling MUCH better now) my house is a disaster zone...surprised the Reserves aren't here to help me out! So, I have an entire house to clean...market ready...we want to list shortly after Dustin gets back. I also have a Birthday party to plan and throw!! My little Gwynnie is turning 4!! She wants a Tangled party and boy have I been having fun with that! I'll post a sneak preview :0) The problem...I have ZERO motivation!! I have major Senioritis!! So much to do, but at the end of a long journey, when you can see the end in sight...I'm just done. On top of that, we don't have AC, which normally isn't a big deal. This year however (thinking due to all the fires around us) we have had a HOT summer!! We've been in the 90s frequently, getting up to 98, 2 days and I just don't do heat well!! Hopefully it will cool off soon and I can get off of my bed (where the ceiling fan is) and get some of this stuff done!!!!!


The invitation and party blower :0) So much fun stuff to do with this theme!!

Days 338-339

This evening I sat out on my back porch. It was a beautiful night (after the 93 degrees we had today...anything would be better!) There was a perfect breeze. The crickets were chirping. The sprinkler was lulling me to a calm relaxation. The sun was peaking out from behind some dark clouds (one of my favorite things in the world!) It was wonderful. The only thing that would have made it better would have been Dustin sitting by my side (and if the bird poop on my arm rest would have just magically disappeared :0)

I feel like a NEW woman tonight!! I am not sure if it's the medication I am on now or finally having some answers...or what...but it's great!! I had a contrast MRI done (on Wed, day 337) and today I went to see an Gynecologist. He was old school, very chatty and touchy (not in a creepy way but a reassuring way), but very sweet. He told me that my MRI came back normal. All of my tests have been coming back normal and yet I am still swollen. He said there is no obvious cause for it and put me on anti-inflammatory medication. He also did another ultrasound and we found 6 cysts on my left ovary! I'm not sure why the other 2 didn't find any...maybe they were just more concerned with the inflammation. Anyway, he feels both of these situations will get better by themselves over time. (I am just so grateful that there isn't anything seriously wrong!!) He also said he thinks having my husband come home will do me a world of good. You know what? I think he's right!

Days 331-337

We’ve hit the 11 month mark but, soldiers are leaping off the wall again!! I found 3 on the floor. These poor last few guys have been real troopers…they’ve been hanging on for a long time! I don’t blame them at all for trying to end their mission! Sometimes I feel that way. If I weren’t glued to the wall, held up with faith, I’d have given up a long time ago and tried to end my mission early too!!

Feeling down lately, I had been desperately looking for a quote that I found last deployment; about the strength of an Army Wife. While digging through all of my old files, quotes, and blogs I stumbled upon a blog I had written with a quote from “Wedding Date.” Paraphrased it said, I believe everyone has the exact life they want. My blog went on to talk about how we choose to be happy or we choose to be sad. It really took me aback. I was right. I have been choosing to be sad. I have had a really rough past few months for two main reasons (people and health) and I let myself slip into a world of self pity and I wasn’t really living my life.

Having issues with some in my life…as you probably noted from previous blogs…I was trying to figure out what God was trying to teach me. Was he trying to teach me to set firm boundaries and distance myself from those who are worldly and set out to hurt others? Perhaps he was trying to teach me to be more forgiving, my accepting, and to have more patience. I had decided that the former was true. After all it was the easier option. It’s much easier to cut people off instead of loving them through a difficult situation. Surely God doesn’t want me to subject myself to those who would purposely and heartlessly hurt me. I really started to wrestle with it. After all, WWJD…right?? And what did he do…he died on the cross so that all may know his love. All those who hated him, all those who spread rumors and lies about him, all of those who wanted to kill him…he DIED for them.

Am I willing to die for those who mistreat me…no…but then again, I am not Jesus. I am working on being Christ-like…but I am nowhere near that selfless. When I am struggling with something, I like to Google the subject matter. In doing so, I was drawn to a few passages…

2 Corinthians 12: 8-9
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

Colossians 3:12-15
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

Romans 12:19-21
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay, "says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

2 Timothy 2:23-24
Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.

Ephesians 4:31-32
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

So, I have spent a lot of time praying this week that I would be able to forgive those who hurt me so badly. That I would be able to show them compassion and treat them as Jesus would have. And I am praying that I will have the peace that only Jesus can give me.

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I also found some nonBiblical quotes that I thought were fitting…

♥"If someone you love hurts you, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it." Anon.

♥“Anybody who criticizes you is a wimp. So be you. And be you loud, and be you strong, and be you to the maximum.” John Mayer

My health has been a downer too…literally. As I have shared before, I don’t have a lot of energy and I just don’t feel well. It has been all too easy lately to lay around all day. I really had to take a look at myself though and realize that I could be up and out. I don’t feel well and in the back of my head, not knowing what is going on is really getting me down (working on it though…had a contrast MRI last night.) However, that doesn’t mean that I get to sit here and waste my days.
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♥Lamentations 3:19-23
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

Every morning I get up, I have the wonderful promise that God’s compassion never fails me. He knows what I am going through. He knows this is a rough time in my life…but if I open my eyes and look around, I will see his compassions for me (like the gift of a sweet friend who sends me uplifting mail.) I will feel his love. The worst thing I can possibly do is sit here and waste that gift. He loves me. He has given me SO many blessings. I need to remember to focus on the blessings and not the pain in my life. I truly believe that if I allow him to, God will use all of my struggles to make me a better person. I can sit here and be hurt and angry, sad and self-pitting…or I can get up and trust that he will give me the strength to get through everything that I have to face. I can grow and become a better person. Isn’t that what being a Christian is all about…trying to become like him? I can’t possibly imagine Jesus sitting around being blue. So, I am choosing not to either. I am going to get up every morning and try to make the best of every day.

♥The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter. ~Author Unknown

♥When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile. ~Author Unknown

♥Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey

♥I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders. ~Jewish Proverb

♥When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

♥The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. ~John Vance Cheney

♥God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them. ~John Aughey

♥Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you have decided to look beyond the imperfections…unknown

I know that I will have to remind myself of this many more times. It’s too easy to become self centered instead of being Christ centered. So, having reached this decision to live my life to look at the growth instead of the pain, I put my first foot forward on that path. As my friend wrote to me, “If we look up to the Sonshine, we will not see the shadows.” So hang in their little soldiers, we can do this!! We are almost there!!!!!