Days 36-42

Well I know you are all DYING to know what happened with my mouse!! I just want you all to know I can feel you cheering me on from across the states…the force is strong. Sadly, as I checked the traps, I hadn’t captured my “friend.” He in fact, as his smarter half (the one that was smart enough to just get caught) had licked all of the traps clean! I lost the battle! However, I recovered from my defeat quickly setting the traps again…but this time, making them harder to get to as I had done outside. I left the house for the morning and came back to…a captured mouse!! It was strange though, as I opened the door under my sink, I barely caught a glimpse of the mouse. It wasn’t on the trap! I was afraid it was still alive. However, upon closer inspection, I realized that it was…but just its finger tips had been trapped. Strange! I gloved up, grabbed the dust pan and took the little creature out to the pasture with his mate in the trash can. Then with bleach water and Lysol in hand, cleaned my kitchen!! I have come to the conclusion, that this is “How you catch a Mouse”…you must put the peanut butter on the bottom of the trap and you must put the trap where it can only be accessed at the spring end and you will have a better chance at…Catching your Mouse! So I won the War of the Mice…but I found rat droppings in my garage today so who knows! They are sending in the giants now! I purchased a Sonic Blaster thing that is supposed to keep them all away…only time will tell…and one can only hope!

I’ve been going through a lot the past week!! It’s been rough! I have had so much going on…so many commitments, so many appointments/meetings!!! I am an introvert…I don’t get all jazzed up and going by constantly surrounding myself with people…in fact, it really drains me. So, I am pretty darn drained right now. In addition, I have had some really big struggles and some really big let downs this week.

For one, my kiddos are starting to go crazy…and I really mean CRAZY. I think they are really feeling the separation and all the changes. It's hard. It's hard for me, someone who really understands what is going on...I can't imagine how hard it is for them!! Connor is crying at the drop of a hat. Gwynn is angry and picking fights with everyone…especially Connor. She is being shy and not wanting to talk to anyone, or do anything…even soccer! Neither of them wants to sleep…unless it’s in my bed…and then they fight over space! I swear I will never complain again about having to share our queen with Dustin again!! Connor almost broke my heart today when he told me he didn’t want to go to school because he was going to miss me too much. Then Gwynn broke out in tears because she missed him but when we went to pick him up, she didn’t want him to come home! Arg. Aside from that, Connor is doing really great in school. He wishes he was in the other class that is always good :0) and his “buddy” from 3rd grade is teaching him how to armpit fart…not too sure what to think about that! I have made the 25 min trip (one way) to the pharmacy, 3 times and still don’t have Connor’s Zyrtec! I can’t buy it in the stores either because of the recall…so he’s a sneezy, itchy little boy right now.

This next struggle is really hard to explain well. I feel “over helped.” I was Googling one day trying to find a passage to encourage a group of women and I stumbled across a thread. This thread was a bunch of people who had various disabilities. They were discussing unwanted help. They were all saying it is so frustrating because people look at them and see their disability…not who they are. They automatically assume that the person needs help. Some offer, some just do, and they were saying it’s really annoying; yet they don’t know how to handle it. If you are rude and push people away, they might stop offering help. However, if you accept the help you don’t need just to make others feel useful, you are hurting yourself. They finally just said, “If I want help, I will ask for it.” Now, I am not saying I know what it’s like to be blind or to be missing a limb, but I kind of get what they are saying. In a way, I have a disability…I am missing my better half! People, out of the goodness of their hearts want to help. What many of them don’t understand is that their help is actually a hindrance and sometimes downright hurtful. I know they don’t mean it. I know they are just trying to help…so what do I do?? The worst is when people try to help me parent. They tell my kiddos, “You need to listen to your mom” in a harsh tone…or snap, “what did your mom tell you?” or I’ve even had an overzealous person just act like I wasn’t even there and take over! To me that’s not helping, that’s telling me I am a bad mom who can't handle her kiddos. I knew she was just trying to help…but that’s not how I need help!! If I need help, I will ask for it (just ask my sister LOL) So, you might be wondering, if I run into a person in a similar situation how can I help?? You can help just being there...keep them company or let them vent without offering advice (unless they ask). A smile and a "How are you today?" are great! I need to learn to do this on my own again. Everything is changing not only for me, but also for my kiddos. We’ve had a lot of change this month. When people see my kiddos acting all crazy, they think they need to step in…but they don’t KNOW my kids…I do…so let ME parent! Both of my kiddos have a hard time with change…that’s part of their “spiritedness” and so when others see misbehavior, I see a struggling child…so it really hurts when people overstep that boundary…because I know it means my kids are hurting, they see a “bad” child and feel the need to do something about it…and that hurts. Wow, that turned into a really big rant! Thanks for hanging in there with me through it!!! LOL

Another thing that has been a HUGE struggle is my emotions!! I think I had mentioned before that I felt like I was in this daze….I couldn’t really feel anything. Well, that has changed!! All of a sudden I have these intense emotions. I am feeling every bit off the loss of Dustin and single parenthood. I am feeling every sad, hurt, look from my kiddos. I am feeling very overwhelmed with all that is on my plate right now. I am really annoyed with all the people (most of whom I don’t know but run into out and about ) who have been so rude and thoughtless to me. I know I mentioned my dr. visit…well at that visit I had my IUD removed. Dustin and I had talked a lot about it and well he’s gone so there really isn’t a need for me to have it…and it drove me crazy…so out it came! Anyway, I was again Googling (love Google if you can’t tell) to see what I should expect from having my IUD removed and found that an IUD can cause mild depression!! I had no idea!! It was crazy too that my rush of “feelings” came back days after I had it taken out! Coincidence?? Maybe I have simply reached acceptance??

The biggest struggle and let down, the one that left me speechless…I still don’t know what to say/do/think about it. I really debated even writing about this…but I did say I would write an open and honest blog…not holding back, so here goes… There is such a long history here…way too much for this already way-too-long blog to go into…but it’s my dad. For those of you who are familiar with that history…that’s probably enough said. However, for those of you who are not…it’s been a very rough and bumpy road starting in early childhood and ending...well obviously it hasn't. My dad had been sick. I hadn’t heard from him in a really long time and so I emailed him to check in. What I got in return, was a 2014 word essay, to be exact, tearing me down. He uses scripture to allude to the fact that I am (and when I say I/me…I mean me and my 5 other siblings) a rebellious child, prodigal son who doesn’t want to come back, that I have been tricked into believing lies and that I am not following Christ. There were many other hurtful things said. At the end he said, “I pray that you all have an awesome life. Goodbye.” Now, what am I supposed to do with that?!? This is not the first time he has “disowned” us. The last time was oddly enough at the same point in our last deployment. I am so tired of being treated like this. I am tired of the ups and downs. I am worth more than being treated this way, by my own "christian" dad to say the least! But I am torn…as a Christian and as a daughter and as someone who has been so hurt that I just stand there, raw, not knowing what to do.

I just finished Beth Moore’s “So Long Insecurity.” Fantastic book!! She has so many wonderful and encouraging passages in there. She points out that all we need to do is “Trust God. Period.” That is what I am going to try and do. Only he knows why we go through what we go through. I am going to trust that all of this, in his time, will be used for his glory. I was thinking the other day about Jesus being my rock. He is my rock, but I have so many pebbles that help me along the way. Every person that prays for me; pebbles. Every person that smiles, gives me a squeeze or says hi; pebbles. My friends; pebbles. My family; pebbles. My kiddos; pebbles. My husband; pebble. Together all of those pebbles lay down under me to support me as I cling to the rock of Jesus in the raging river of life. Even though my toe will probably get stubbed from time to time, those pebbles help the water run a little more smoothly, perhaps even guiding it one way or the other. Almost as important as my saving rock, are the pebbles that support me in my river.

Thank you for being a pebble.

Bible Verse:

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2)

Silver Linings:

♥My God
♥My Pebbles
♥My Struggles=Growth